The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
My girlfriend Facetimes me all the time and it’s really fucking annoying. Often mid wank as well.
I don’t get the fascination with anal sex or eating butts. That’s where poo comes from. You’ve got poo on your dick/in your mouth. Am I missing something?
I’m in my 30s but still get blackout drunk all too often. Recently went for “a quick pint” which ended with me getting ejected from a hipster bar and sleeping with a man I later discovered is married with a lot of children (can’t remember a thing). He now keeps texting me against my will and I keep imagining his wife burning my house down. Still, I’m not ready to give up beer. Meh, what you gonna do?
I would never cheat on my gf but sometimes when I’m out with the guys I chat up birds and soon as I’ve sealed the deal I walk away from the situation. Just to make sure I’ve still got my mojo.
My girlfriend refused sex with me once so I started wanking in front of her and she eventually got so turned on that she jumped on me and finished the job
Took LSD amongst friends few years back. Did circles around my flat for 5 hours straight after they left. Paranoia, shame and guilt.
last Christmas I hooked up with an absolute peach. We met early in the evening and continued to bump into each other between the bars and pubs, we swapped numbers and kept messaging each other before running off into the night together. . we went back to hers and did the deed. . I woke up the next morning still smiling as she laid next to me. . Perfect night, perfect morning. Until I felt the need to pass wind. . I should’ve just taken myself to the bathroom but for some reason (probably laziness) I reached beneath the sheets and separated my cheeks (in order to make it silent) and began to pass wind. . only I didn’t pass wind. I just ejected a torrent of fizzy beer slime all over the bed from my anus. I promptly left and hid from my phone for two days.
My friend blamed me for giving him and his 80 year old granddad the flu. He thanked me for killing his granddad. Haven’t chatted to him for years, but he ain’t interested in chatting to me. Miss that guy.
‘Father Christmas’ bought my 7 year old a PS4 for Christmas. Been playing the shit out of it ever since. Thanks Santa!
I’m really into my buddy’s ex of 3 years. She’s into me too. Really want to see what could happen with her but literally EVERYONE is telling me not to. Still might go for it.
I have smoked weed every single day for the last 10 years
There’s a rumour my girlfriend got dp’d and I don’t know how to deal with it.
Tried to bang the MILF across the street when she separated from her husband. I was only 17 at the time and she used to flirt back with me and said when I turn 18. She moved back to Ireland before I turned 18. Still hurts.
I lasted 90 seconds in the sack the other day. My girlfriend gave me a pat on the back and quickly rolled over and fell asleep. What a sense of accomplishment!
I quit my job so I could get high and play Red Dead Redemption uninterrupted
Last week at work I had terrible hangover shits, like the worst I’ve ever had. Went to wipe and got shit all over my hand. Used toilet paper to get off in the cubicle (obviously) but missed and got some on the side of my pinky. Ended up with some on the back of my shirt as well. Not my greatest moment.
I repeat things that I hear on the Joe Rogan podcast and everyone thinks I’m really smart and well read but the truth is I’m just parroting the stuff his guests say.
I sometimes wonder whether in the last 10 years I have shitted more than I’ve wanked. I bet it’s really close.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).