Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #123

It’s your favourite time of the week.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:



Currently sat in a hospital bed heart rate steaming at 160bpm. Turns out 1.5 litres of energy drink, vodka and a dodgy viagra you nicked off your dad will do that to ya.

Con 1


Ok here goes. There’s a girl that I’ve been in love with since I clapped eyes on her. It’s the Forrest Gump/Jenny kind of love infatuation that you see in the movie. I was in primary school when I first met her. The trouble was/is she was the smart one and I was the dumb (slightly unruly) one, so we really never spoke properly. Fast forward to secondary school, I find out she was visiting a local christian group, naturally I go – just to see her again, fast forward some more, and I have some vague memory of leaving some weird chat on MSN declaring my love for her and then subsequently getting annoyed because she wasn’t replying – hear nothing from her ever again. Numerous friend requests on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn…etc result in nothing, literally feel like I blew it because of the MSN incident. Anyway, messaged her on Christmas Day last year apologising if I have creeped her out in the last decade. She replied! Saying she doesn’t even remember (feel comforted by this somewhat). However, Still not accepted any of those friend requests (fuck sake), and I just would love to have a second chance at having a proper conversation with her again. Biggest ever regret fuck up of my life!

Con 2


I was at a house party last week and needed a piss, so I went to the bathroom. While stood there pissing I saw a toothbrush on the side and just had the urge to rub my balls on it. This was all after a 7 hour shift so they were nice and sweaty. Hope they used plenty of toothpaste the next day.

Con 3


Agreed to move in with my misses and her baby but now it’s coming close I’m absolutely shitting it. Just hoping something comes up in the meantime that I can get shitty about and leave.

Con 4


I’m an Uber driver in my spare time. One night I picked up a woman in her sixties from the posh end of London and ended up pulling and touching her up on her in the back seat before I dropped her home. I’m 24.

Con 5


I’ve been watching some seriously questionable porn recently. Currently female body builders sit at my top, which is weird because the thought of sleeping with one in real life creeps me out, but in wank world it really turns me on.

Con 6


I feel like my boyfriend is trying to friend zone me. He patted me on the head after I gave him a blow job the other day. I’m not a dog ffs.

Con 7


I’m a straight male and spent 30 minutes the other day arguing with a female coworker over whether Orlando Bloom is hot or not.

Con 8


I lie to my girlfriend about my wages every month purely so I’ve got a bit extra pocket money to spend on drugs and have genuine fun with my mates. She’s so dry, it’s ridiculous.

Shocked Man in Bed with Woman


I woke up the other night with a strange girl in my bed. It had been a heavy night the night before and I remembered nothing. Anyway, I went to the toilet to clean my teeth and poop and when I came back she was gone. I asked my mates and they had no idea. It will probably remain one of the greatest mysteries in my entire life.

Con 10


I’m going through a pretty nasty break up at the moment and all I’ve done this week is call in sick to work, drink ridiculous amounts of wine, smoked cigarettes and sang along to music. It’s actually really helped.

Con 11


I’m dating this guy with a massive penis and basically I’ve had cystitis since being with him. Every day I go to work in pain and things got so bad that I ended up getting a full blown kidney infection the day I was meant to be going on holiday. I genuinely had to call my friend up and let her know that we weren’t going on holiday anymore because my boyfriend’s penis had destroyed me. It really does suck being a girl sometimes.

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.


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