Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #122

It’s your favourite time of the week.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Con 2

Blond Babe

I was on quite a busy beach in Dorset last week. About 4 miles from the nearest toilets when I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach. I knew I needed a massive shit but also knew I would never make it to the toilets in time. I ignored it for a while before it became unbearable. I ran along the beach trying to find a suitable cove, nothing, I had nothing left to do but get as close to the rock face and possible and drop my load. It was basically liquid. I covered my ‘mess’ with rocks and returned to my family.

I feel so sorry for whoever moves the rocks and finds it. It’s a fossil hunting beach so the chances are it has already been discovered. I’m so sorry.

Con 1


I wasn’t getting enough sex from my girlfriend but didn’t want to leave her, so I’ve persuaded her to start webcam modelling with me. Now I get all the sex in the world, get payed for it, and have 1500 people viewing it every night. Feel like I’ve won the lottery.



For the past year of my life, I’ve been head over heels in love with a Hungarian girl who I met while she was over here on holiday. We messaged all day everyday and Skyped for hours every night. My commitment was so solid that I flew out to see her every month and was making plans to move there. I was 100% sure she loved as she would tell me everyday. Being a fucking awkward underachieving loser who’s never been loved by anyone, I lapped it up and did everything I could to make her happy. Nothing else mattered any more, she was everything! I even pushed away some really close friends who I felt were getting in the way of what I thought to be so special and precious. I was so fucking happy for the first time ever… two months ago she randomly stopped talking to me and continued to ignore me (no matter how much I begged for answers or even some closure) until I just gave up..

Now, I have literally nothing, I have completely fucked up my whole life and the only the stopping me from killing myself is fact that my recently widowed mother and autistic younger brother wouldn’t be able to take it… I still haven’t told any of my mates or family as well out of pure humiliation, so I’m agonisingly bullshitting about how she’s doing good and is asking for them. I’ll never fucking get over this. Absolutely savage. Someone please top this to make me feel a little bit better?

Con 4

Princess Peach

I was on a pretty standard night out in London with my mates and as you do went to the toilets to do a bomb. As I put the bomb in my mouth it broke and the rancid taste of MD filled my mouth so all I could think to do to get rid of the taste was to cup my hand and dunk it in the toilet bowl and glug it down with toilet water. Not my proudest moment but a banging night all in all.

Con 5


I’m so British that I say sorry to objects when I bump into them.


Vice city

I was play fighting with my ex when she fell onto the glass tv cabinet door and split her bum hole open genuinely. Had to go AE to get stitched to this day I tell the lads I was doing her anal and split her open. “I got my brown wings” were the words when in fact that idea turns my stomach.

shocked girls looking at laptop on couch


Sooooo I went to stay with my dad the other weekend and he lent me his laptop. The browsing history was full to the brim with seriously messed up porn (he’s worse than me) and now I’m freaked out. Couldn’t relax all weekend.

Con 6


I lived in a share apartment in Austria for a year with another couple, the girl was really fit and I fancied the pants off her. However, her boyfriend was an absolute c*nt. I was bbqing alone in the shower one evening and ended up jizzing in both of their shower gel bottles. Even to this day I’m proud of it and have zero guilt.

Con 7


World Cup 2010, England vs Slovenia, whole office was let out early to watch the match in our work local, shit game, shit faced. Ended up staggering to the station to get the train back home and passed out on the train, standard. Luckily, it was shuttling between Basingstoke and Reading which only takes 30 mins, so approximately 5 shuttles and 50 missed calls from the misses later (she wasn’t happy) and I wake up on approach to Reading, result!

man cheering with arms outstretched


Been with my wife for 20 years in total… recently she has been a fucking nightmare and the sex is shit. I’ve had enough and I’m about to walk out on her for a woman 8 years older than me but infinitely hotter and rampant in bed, can’t fucking wait.

Con 9


My wife’s little sister recently had a baby.

It’s starting to look more and more like me and unfortunately I do have a reason to be worried about that… I guess she’s as guilty as I am though, huh?

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.


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