The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I like to enter online competitions where you need likes to win, I go on Omegle, pretend to be my girlfriend, find desperate men, give them my whatsapp number and make them vote for me before sending them photos from Google. If they have girlfriends I blackmail them to make their friends vote, after they vote I let them know they have been sexting a man just to rub salt into the wound.
Sometimes I feel up my girlfriend’s tits while she’s sleeping.
Whenever I’m the phone to a customer service person I always clear my throat or shuffle things around during the awkward silences to make it sound like I’m not just sitting there doing nothing
I had sex with a girl who was super charged on coke at my friend’s house party. We went to a bedroom where the lock didn’t work so she picked up the mattress on her own and slammed it against the door to keep everyone out. Then we had sex on the floor. Let’s just say she was definitely the dominant one in that session
Went for a boys holiday to Amsterdam and paid 50 euros to bang a prostitute in the Red Light District. Ended up jizzing after a quick handjob but told my mates I ruined her in 3 positions
I eat my Weetabix while sitting on the toilet taking a dump every morning. Saves a decent amount of time.
Being a guy who is less than breathtaking in the sack, me and my girlfriend use a certain toy to make sure she has as much fun as me. When this broke I decided to make up for my lack of sexual prowess by fixing it (you know like real men do). This failed miserably and now my living room is filled with sex toy components and I’m watching Jeremy Kyle with a comedown. I couldn’t be anymore of a beta male if I tried.
The only thing that’s got me through working a minimum wage hell this summer is the knowledge that the football is back on soon. I hate how common I am
I once came solely from licking a girl out. My friends call me Jim from American Pie.
My boyfriend applied to go to the same uni as me and I really, really hope his application isn’t successful. I love him but I want to see what life brings me these next three years when I’m spending time away from him.
I’ve been propositioned twice my whole life, which is sad in itself, but the first time, I’d gone to the cinema with this girl who I knew was game for it, after we came out of the film, I farted, quietly, but realised I’d followed through pretty strongly, and then had to put off going to her house with my shitty underwear and go home instead with a ‘I like you but don’t want us to sleep together yet’, line. she blew me off the next day as she thought I was a bit of a sexual prude and for the next few months I was well gutted, never really got over it to be honest, that was about 8 years ago.
I take pictures of my shits and send them to my crew’s Whatsapp group on a near daily basis
Everytime I’m in doggy I can’t stop pulling the girl’s bum cheeks apart and staring at her bum hole
I’ve been wearing a fake Rolex for the past two years and everyone believes it’s the real thing. I dread the day someone who knows about watches asks to take a closer look at it
I am 27 and have a shitty low wage job. Every once in a while i will pull a sickie and stay home all day with the curtains shut watching porn and making sure i dont “like” any facebook posts or text anyone in case my girlfriend finds out. When my payslip comes in i make out like they are ripping me off.
I can never enjoy the time off as i feel too guilty. When my girlfriend gets home i am so ashamed and guilty i pretend i am depressed about my life, she comforts me. It makes it worse.
I think my balls are really small.. If it’s a bit cold they can sometimes slot up into my body if I’m having a wank and girls seem to reach for them during and then lose interest pretty quick.
It feels wrong to use my grandads Netflix without him knowing
I look forward to confessions every week
This week you didn’t post them
Waited till Saturday thinking “hey, they must be busy right?” still no confessions…
Sick Chirpse ruined my week
I’m scared of ever spending too much time alone in case I have a stroke or drop dead and there’s no one there to help me.
I wipe my arse with baby wipes because it makes a quicker and more pleasant wiping experience.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.
P.S. You can find our previous best confessions HERE.