Russell Brandy-Wandy Throws iPhone Tantrum

Russell Brand in legal spat over iPhone.

The stars are elusive. Sometimes we see them, sometimes we don’t. When we do see them, we expect them to shine; we expect them to dazzle and amaze. Stars. We love them. Hell, we couldn’t survive without them! That’s why sometimes, I get a little annoyed at how flippantly new faces are branded ‘stars‘, when they fail to either dazzle or amaze. They just disappoint. Further to this, they have no apparently marketable talents. Amy Chiles. Kerry Katona. Katie Price. Need I go on? ITV has a lot to answer for, and would probably do better to market itself as a charity for fame-hungry tarts who get off to the sound of their own stupidity.

Yes, there are galaxies of these so-called stars. Just look on ITV2. They better fit into my fame-defining sub-category : moons. Moons have no atmosphere, and their job is to follow more important bodies around the solar system in order to be noticed. How true that is. Stars don’t really need moons, so that’s why I wasn’t shocked to hear about the end of Russell Brand and Katy Perry‘s short lived ellipse. That pair only began to look odd when it became clear that Russ was going to stick with the ‘I Kissed a Girl’ singer. We all whooped for monogamy‘s triumph over the self-proclaimed loathario, but secretly suspected that perhaps he wasn’t the best face to front that campaign. Bit like getting Pete Doherty to be in Talk to Frank adverts. Not going to happen.

We can always count on the inevitable though, a force which never lets us down. Brand recently divorced the lunacy in his path, and returned to orbit as a stellar bachelor. Goody-wood, you cry! Or is it? Brand has always been a bit of a loose cannon (the common misdiagnosis in the fame game for having a personality), so following the breakdown of his short marriage, which met with worldwide speculation, it isn’t any wonder that having yet another camera thrust into his money-maker proved to be one lens too many.

Russ now faces legal action following an incident in the US, whereby he snatched the iPhone of a pap-happy snapper and lobbed it crashing through the outer glass pane of a legal establishment – irony number one. Russell’s people were swift off the mark to promise reimbursement, and the phone was returned to its owner, who then made an official appeal to the police, citing ‘criminal damage’. A misdemeanour warrant for Brand’s arrest has now been issued whilst he resides in America for the filming of his next movie.

Now, most would take to Twitter under the watchful eye of agents and publicists and so forth, to issue an official apology using 140 characters or less. Not Russ. He did take to Twitter, sure, but what he offered as his explanation can only be described by this chirpser as… Mercurial. Hardly surprising, considering Russ is a Gemini. Here’s what the trickster had to say for himself. I think it’s apple-genius.

Really, Russell? Irreverently? That’s your chosen adjective to describe the use of an iPhone, to take pictures of yourself? This is irony number two, of which Brand is fully aware, and I’m sure upon reading that Tweet lots of Americans will bob their heads in sombre reverence to the late Steve Jobs, the man who took their fruit industry to unfathomable heights. Oh, and coincidentally, they could soon forget Russell’s faux-pas (permitting litigation), which he has shrewdly dwarfed into perspective by reminding the world that iPhones may get chucked into offices, but good people die every day. They say a lot of our humour is wasted over there. Can’t think why. Perhaps it’s written in the stars.


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