Eccentric millionaire and genuine mentalist Chen Guangbiao or Chief Gangbang (loose translation) to his friends has taken things up a notch in the last couple of weeks as he has gone from saving people from earthquakes and buying the New York Times (not just a copy of it – the whole thing) to releasing what can only be described as the most ridiculous business card ever.
As you can see Mr Gangbang notes himself as a couple of things which are most disagreeable but we can’t really go through each and every one so we will start with the first, where he claims to be the Most Influential Person Of China. Couple of things wrong with this really…does he not realise that Jet Li is from China? We’re talking about a man who has done it all. He’s been in a film where he fights against 100s of different versions of himself, he’s also starred in a film where Bob Hoskins has him on a chain and it isn’t even a B Movie snuff version of Bob’s old BT ads and he even acted opposite Sir Brendan Fraser – surely this makes him more influential automatically?
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I could easily tear apart him being in the apparent Top Ten Most Honourable or China Low Carbon Emission Environmental Protection Top Advocate (is that the same one or two different ones) but instead let’s discuss Most Well-known and Beloved Chinese Role Model. Most well-known by who? His own family? People he has previously aggravated with business cards? You wanna talk about role models Mr Gangbang? How about Yao Ming? Despite the average Chinese man growing to around 5ft 8 inches Ming took it upon himself to defy the laws of science and get himself up to a tidy 7 ft 6 inches. He can even shoot free throws. Give this man a ridiculous business card, he’s earnt it.
As seen in the photo above, Guangbiao has the tendency to get photographed doing things that make people want to forcibly bury him alive. The first shot of our protagonist show him taking a natural disaster using the power of the piggyback to save the day. In my limited experience of how to deal with an earthquake piggybacks are pretty low down on my things to do list during that particular natural disaster. Our second shot shows him walking around a desolate are with a medipack from Twisted Metal 2 attached to his left arm – what good can that really do except for mental clowns driving round in ice cream truck killing machines? Finally we can see him auditioning to be a linesman at the next Olympics for a sport he undoubtedly created called Bike Football – the bloke is a belter.
Who calls themselves China’s Foremost Environmental Preservation Demolition Expert? Firstly, is this not the most pertinent example of an oxymoron you’ve ever seen? How can you be an expert in the demolition of something you are preserving – what the fuck does that even mean? That’s the equivalent of me suggesting that I’m The Foremost Expert On Saving My Own Shit Whilst Flushing It. The bloke is nuts.
When he’s not throwing up a fist for black power (see below) he will have you know that he is China’s biggest philanthropist, which has always been a bit too close to full-on rapist for my liking. Much like full-on rapists, the transparency of his donations is certainly coming into question as it has been noted that in 2010 that Guangbiao claimed to have donated just shy of $200,000 to China Foundation of Human Rights for relief work in Haiti – an organisation that was in no way existing in reality.
We can all agree that the only way to really test his business card is to put it up against Patrick Bateman and the other Wall Street boys in American Psycho. My only feeling though is that his business card reads more like a bootleg Pokemon card or a Coventry City Merlin Premier League shiny – so this Wigglytuff might wanna shy away from the lime light and work on getting some real charity work done rather than handing out piggy backs to Earthquake sufferers like they were biscuits. Bore off Gangbang.