Oscars 2013 – How To Not Sound Like A Dick When You Talk About Them




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This an absolute massive category this year as all five actors going for the Best Supporting gong are previous Oscar winners themselves, four going for their second Oscar and one for his third. Alan Arkin gave Argo a much needed funny edge as a disenfranchised Hollywood producer alongside John Goodman, however, the only way he is going to pick up the award this year is if Affleck’s movie also wins the Best Picture, especially as he has a couple of cheap jibes against Hollywood in the movie itself. Christopher Waltz returns to top form as Dr King Schultz, a German bounty hunter with fantastic manners and a silver-tongued wit that we all aspire to in Tarantino’s masterpiece, Django Unchained. It would be unfair on Tarantino to say Waltz carries the film as it really is excellent on its own merit but he was the stand-out performance amongst some other actors who would be disappointed to not see themselves in the Oscar race, namely Leo De Caprio. His chances of winning would usually be excellent but for the return of some of the greatest actors around. Tommy Lee Jones turns in an Oscar worthy performance as Thaddeus Stevens in Lincoln but almost pales into insignificance next to Sally Field’s and Daniel Day-Lewis’ performances. The only way poor old Tom is going to win is if Lincoln does the clean sweep and according to some of the buzz – that could still happen.

The two front runners for this accolade have got to be RDN and PSH – as one great finally returns to being the actor he once was and the other notches up another phenomenal performance that we ‘ve come to expect. Beginning with Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master who somehow manages to counter balance Joaquin Phoenix’s sex-crazed war veteran throughout the film – even overshadowing him on occasion.  The real worry with this one is that it isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea with the film not even making the Best Picture nominees – but Oscar or not – Hoffman is groundbreaking throughout as Lancaster Dodd.

The other option for the Academy is Robert De Niro for his role as Pat Snr in Silver Linings Playbook. De Niro plays the father of Bradley Cooper’s character who is suffering from Bi-Polar disorder and the way De Niro encapsulates someone of an older generation and their view of mental illness is just excellent. His performance also spoke to me on a personal level as he has terrible OCD and a hurrendous addiction to gambling which is a key factor in the film. It was a pleasure to watch him shine after having to see him Meet The Parents and The Fockers Whilst Analysing This and That over the past ten years. Most importantly though it has been 21 years since the man who would make it into every person in the world’s top five actors has been nominated for an Academy Award. De Niro is engaging throughout and gives his whole heart in this performance but depending on how the voters are feeling this could still go to Hoffman or even worse than that – Tommy Lee Jones – the bloke was involved in Men In Black 3 – don’t give it to him, please.


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You’d be forgiven for not knowing who Jacki Weaver was or not realising she was in Silver Lining Playbook as she doesn’t live up to the performances by the rest of the cast but just so you know she’s that Aussie in Animal Kingdom – she won’t win it. Amy Adams has come along way since Enchanted and put in a great performance in The Master, much like Anne Hathaway who cut all her hair off in Les Miserables which has got plenty of shit actresses an Oscar in the past (see Demi Moore, Hilary Swank) but not this time. Helen Hunt put me on edge for 120 minutes playing a sex therapist/weird old anorexic robot in The Sessions, but was excellent throughout – however – there is only one supporting lady who is going to be taking this one home – Sally Field. Yes, Sally Field, the mum in Mrs Doubtfire who you used to bash one out over and then feel guilty because Pierce Brosnan would come into shot on occasion and you didn’t stop – yes, her. She is excellent in Lincoln as the First Lady and is loved by all of Hollywood – this one is sewn up – as well it should be.

There are loads of other awards but no one will talk about them, trust me. Just in case they do though here are some final tips:

  • Best Animated Film – Wreck It Ralph. It won’t win but your other choices are Brave which is shit and Frankenweenie – but do you really wanna be one of  those people that bums Tim Burton? No. Also, Mark Wahlberg said Wreck It Ralph was great when he was drunk on Graham Norton so it’s ok to like it.
  • Best Foreign Language Film – Amour. Amour will win as it is beautiful but this is a good chance to have a bitch about all the other great foreign films that didn’t make the cut, especially Untouchable. Only available at cheeky little pretentious art house cinema theatres and one of the best films you’ll see this year. Check it.
  • Best Cinematography – Life Of PiClaudio Miranda. This might not win but if you just keep saying things about the vision of the cinematographer and how people always say the book could never be made into the film – people will think you’re really smart and cool and want to hang out with you. Also you can say the word allegory a lot – people love that.
  • Costume Design – No one gives a fuck and if you tell girls you are into all the costumes in Les Miserables then they will just think you are weird.
  • Best Director – Steven Spielberg. Gutted to say it will be him, however, this award is usually spoken of as the well done on directing because your film wasn’t quite good enough to win best picture award – so if he does win this hopefully Lincoln won’t win the big one. Ang Lee also has an outside shot as they ousted Affleck from the equation but it would be amazing to see Michael Haneke win for Amour. Again though, won’t happen, but gives us all another great chance for a bitch.

Or if you want, and this is just a bit out there, disregard everything you’ve just read – watch the films – and make your own decision. Just a thought.

P.S. Ar go fuck yourself

Follow AMJ @amjeezie



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