Sooo……it looks like the question we’ve all been wondering for our whole lives has finally been answered. Nicolas Cage is a vampire. And we have undeniable proof. Provided by U.S. twat Jack Mord.
Mr. Mord is an antique image dealer from Asshole, U.S.A. He has uncovered startling evidence which he says proves that Hollywood also-ran Nicolas Cage is in fact a member of the living dead. The photograph is of an unnamed man, taken c.1870 and was found by J. Mord “at the back of an album of Civil War era portraits”. As you can see the resemblance is uncanny. Key word: resemblance.
Upon uncovering this earth-shattering piece of evidence Jack decided straight away that it was not just a picture of a man who looked like Nicolas Cage, but in fact Nicolas Cage himself. A fair leap of faith. Or fantasy.
Everything I have ever known, felt or sensed has shaped my conviction that Vampires are in fact fictitious. A scary story for naughty little boys and girls who won’t go to bed. As such, I’m sure you can imagine my astonishment at this revelation. If, as has been so unequivocally proven by the J-Man, vampires do exist and walk among us disguised as famous actors, what else have I been wrong about? Does Santa exist? Is Richard Attenborough Santa? Is Toy Story real? Is Steve Buscemi an alien? I guess he must be. All I need to do now is sit back and wait for Detective Dickhead to confirm what I already know.
Apparently many deluded nay-sayers have pointed to the fact that ol’ Nick has visibly aged in accordance with the passage of time. So he can’t be vampire. These pathetic hecklers have been totally pwned by our super-sleuth’s follow up analysis. He has concluded, through thorough investigation, that “he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor “Nicolas Cage” will “die” … but in reality, the undead vampire “Nicolas Cage” will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over”.
Start what all over? A stagnant career as the world’s most ordinary actor? He’ll need David Lynch to be reincarnated if he is to achieve any kind of future critical acclaim. Maybe David Lynch is also a vampire. Maybe that’s their plan. Together they can keep making one good film every 80 years throughout the rest of eternity. I’m so scared.
Don’t vampires drink blood? Who is Nicolas Cage feeding off? And why hasn’t he been caught? Maybe the police are all vampires too. Maybe they are a drain on our blood as well as our resources. Could this be true? I thought vampires needed to stay out of sunlight. Am I wrong? Or is Nicolas Cage half vampire, half lycan like Corvin off Underworld? That must be it. Does that mean were-wolves are real too? Is Kelsey Grammar a were-wolf? He must be.
Anyway. It is clear to us all now that what we once believed to be fairy-tales, designed to keep us entertained and spellbound, are in fact very real. Vampires, were-wolves, Santa, hobbits, the X-men, the Tooth Fairy, Harry Potter. All true. Heard it here first. And if you want proof you can bid on Jack Mord’s wanky little photograph on e-bay. It’s going for one million (MILLION) United States dollars.