Masturbation Will Impregnate Your Hands In The Afterlife

Wank hand

Everyone’s fucked.

You’d better watch out and you better not wank-cry; because your hands will become pregnant in the afterlife according to a Turkish preacher that appeared on our television screens last weekend. Sad news all round.


Mücahid Cihad Han, a preacher based in Instanbul who uses his YouTube and other social media channels to spread the word of his God,  made these claims on an appearance on the 2000 TV channel. A caller rang in to confess that he’d been having one off with himself, despite being a happily married man. He even cracked one out on his pilgrimage to Mecca.



Han explained that masturbating is “Haram” and that his pregnant hands will demand rights in the afterlife. “If our viewer was single, I could recommend he marry, but what can I say now?” he said, before recommending that instead he should “resist Satan’s temptations.” Uh oh.

There are currently no reports on whether abortions are allowed in either heaven or hell, so it’s probably best to keep your hands off yourself unless you want to feed endless hungry mouths after your death. Even if you can’t control yourself, you can potentially redeem some by jerking it to this porn site that donates money to charity every time you have one off.


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