What the fvck is happening to the world? First, Tulisa was voted #1 Sexiest Female in FHM, then Chelsea won the Champion’s League, then there was some guy who chewed the face off another, THEN we find out about some really hungry dude who’s arrested for killing and eating another man’s organs. Is 2012 really the year that everyone loses their minds and we all die? Or is it just pure coincidence that these incidents happened so close to each other?
Well, my take on the whole thing is that there must be something weird going on in America. Yes, even more weird than in Britain where Tulisa ‘Quaver Teeth’ Contostavlos is apparently the bird we all want to bang and where Chelsea ‘John Terry and Ashley Cole are cunts’ FC win the Champion’s League instead of class teams like Trabzonspor. There must be some weird mutant bacteria going around in the milk in the States because they seem to have really lost their noggins over there – either that or they’ve realised McDonald’s is shit after all and that they’ll get more vitamins and stuff from gouging on each other’s insides/outsides. I suppose it’s a cheaper alternative as well, though.
Yep, there’s definitely something fucked-up going on over there in our beloved Yanks’ backyards. I dunno whether zombies are sprouting up from their lawns/cemeteries/working the bar at their local or whether Obama has told them the truth/lies about the world ending but the Americans just seem to want to get out of it all and have well and truly lost their lovely little brains.
Another example of this is that some guy called Wayne Carter absolutely lost it when police kicked his door in after they’d received calls saying that Carter was threatening to kill himself. As soon as the cops kicked their way into his house, they found Carter in a corner of a room and when he saw them he stood up and started to stab himself all over his body, so much and so hard that his intestines started to flop out, doing their best impression of Jabba The Hutt chilling with his hoez.
That isn’t all, though. No way. When the cops told Carter to stop it he started to cut bits of his skin off and then began the arduous task of slashing his intestines apart and then went onto to throw the skin and the intestines at the (probably) disgusted and horrified cops. Imagine that, eh? It’d be liked having confetti thrown over you but probably about 10 times worse. What’s even more fucked-up, though, is that the cops finally managed to calm him down (more like blood-loss helping rather than them) and Wayne Carter is still alive. All that effort and planning for nothing. What a chump.
So, what awaits us next week in our new world of face-eating, organ-eating, intestine-throwing fvck-ups? Maybe Sean Bean actually won’t die in something?! Nah. Probably not.
Apologies if we’ve been a bit grim this week at Sick Chirpse. Here’s a picture of Melanie Iglesias to make you feel a bit better: