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A Judge Has Ruled That Amber Heard Didn’t Poop In Johnny Depp’s Bed, Was Probably Stoned Dog Instead

Of course it was.

Johnny Depp spectacularly lost his case for libel against The Sun yesterday, with a judge ruling that he did hit Amber Heard in twelve of the fourteen incidents that were disputed meaning that The Sun were well within their rights to call him a woman beater.

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However, the biggest scandal of the whole trial was undoubtedly Depp’s claim that Heard had pooped all over his bed – the act that prompted him to file for divorce. Turns out that this was a lie as well – at least in Judge Nicol’s judgment – with the judge offering the following explanation:

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For what it is worth, I consider that it is unlikely that Ms. Heard or one of her friends was responsible.

Since Depp was away from home at the time, it was Ms. Heard who was likely to suffer from the feces on the bed, not him.

It was, therefore, a singularly ineffective means for Ms. Heard or one of her friends to ‘get back’ at Mr. Depp.

I find it most likely that the actual culprit was one of Ms Heard’s dogs –  a Yorkshire terrier named Boo who had an incomplete mastery of her bowels after she had accidentally consumed some marijuana.

So there you go – it wasn’t actually Amber Heard that pooped in Johnny Depp’s bed but her stoned dog instead. I suppose this offers up another question: whether or not Heard encouraged Boo to poop in that bed or whether Boo did it off her own volition – aside from the marijuana effect I mean – but that probably opens up another four week long court case on its own doesn’t it? Do we really want that?

Depp’s lawyers have already vowed to appeal the decision, so this definitely isn’t the last that we’ve heard of these two. God help us when the actual Heard V Depp trial starts over in the US sometime next year.

For more of the same, check out all the judgments that were made from the case. Does not look good for Depp at all here.

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