To be honest, I don’t know much about Jason Derulo other than he: a) is an R&B singer, b) sounds a lot like Ne-Yo, and c) really, really, really loves his own name. Fair enough, it’s a strong surname. It has nice cadence – I totally see it. I completely understand. And, after viewing the video below, you’ll see that simply shouting your full name passionately at a love interest might be all it takes to get laid. Jason has teamed up with BuzzFeed to go through a few examples of things you shouldn’t say to a woman if you want to make her your girlfriend:
The video comes alongside the release of his latest single, which is called “The Other Side” and apparently features lyrical content that depicts ‘how to take your friendship to a relationship.’ I can guarantee you 500 grains of sand that it will open with his name. It’s obviously the first rule.
Because I am a really nice person, I listened to the song so the curious ones amongst you would be saved the effort. I also thought it wouldn’t hurt just incase it shared some handy information about how to strut past the friend-zone without breaking stride like it was merely an automatic door in Tesco that welcomes your custom. Derulo seems to use the analogy that friendship is life, and in order to be successful in getting laid you must approach the removal of platonic love by addressing the situation much like a wake.
This is what I learnt:
- Firstly, sit the friend you like more than a friend opposite you in a very awkwardly large room and reminisce about all the great moments you have had whilst being friends.
- Suggest getting drunk begin to kiss and grope them until they are ready to go to sex.
- Put on a violent, David Guetta-esque (or potentially, actual David Guetta – I’m not going to look that up to confirm though, I’m not that nice) song and begin sex.
- Look into their eyes and tell them you can see the friendship you just chatted fondly about is truly dead.
- Bury dead friendship in sexual juices.
- Take control of the situation and let them know that this was all part of your plan.
- Point out to them that if you have more sex, you will become lovers ‘fo sho.’
- Play more Guetta and dance with your close friendship circle to perfected choreography. (optional)
- Get your friends to holler enthusiastically. (also, optional)
- End on the golden rule, by confirming sexual consent.
Hopefully, you’ve learnt as much as I have. Thanks, Jason Derulo!
P.S. I owe you 500 grains of sand.
You can check out the video below of you haven’t already heard it:
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