CHIRPSES

Jake From Two And A Half Men Has Become A Devout Christian, And Is Telling People To Stop Watching The Show

Heed Angus Jones’ message: fear God, fear hell and turn off your blasphemous devil-worshipping televisions. What an idiot.

What do they put in the coffee on the set of Two And A Half Men? We’ve only just about got over the whole Charlie Sheen explosion and now this. I mean, I know it’s shit, but is it really that shit that it causes the cast to periodically go completely mental and make absolute dicks of themselves on the internet and basically publically resign?

Angus T. Jones, who plays Jake on the show, hasn’t quite gone as bat-shit crazy as Charlie Sheen went, mostly due a slight shortage of cocaine. Instead, he’s gone all spiritual. He’s become a devout, God-fearing, Sabbath-observing, Bible-bashing Christian. This is the same Jake that used to drag around his fat-ass making jokes about boobs and butts in the pre-Tiger-Blood days and then sit around smoking bud and watching Beavis and Butthead in the post-droopy-eyed-armless-children days.

I don’t respect him or his lifestyle change enough to research the whens and the whys of this soul-shift but it sounds like he just randomly started going to church and started properly getting into all this Bible stuff, with its eternal hell and its vengeful God and its obscure morals and all the other bullshit that’s in that damn book. And then he started seeking out congregations of black people and met this dude that he’s pictured with and started following all the laws to the letter and pretty much just went full on mental for this hip new craze the kids are calling ‘religion’.

Seriously, it’s all the rage these days, you can’t get away from it. It’s all over the news and the internet and it’s uniting the world and making people dance and laugh and nothing has ever affected so many people in the world ever.

Oh, wait, that’s Gangnam Style.

Ohhh yeahhh, religion is the thing that’s dissolving in the developed world and causing millions of needless deaths everywhere else. Religion is the thing that the advancement of structured society, technology and science and the encouragement of independent logical thought have made obsolete, outdated and irrelevant. Now I remember.

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Well Angus has got so taken in by his spiritual awakening that he’s made a video of his testimony, which includes him telling people to stop watching Two And A Half Men. He doesn’t actually explain his thinking behind this very well, but as an experienced idiot-whisperer I can infer that he’s trying to tell us that the the TV show that he has been a vital cast member of for about 10 years is in fact the complex and deceptive work of the Devil and has been created deliberately to distract us from fearing and worshiping God.

“If you watch Two And A Half Men, please stop watching Two And A Half Men. I’m on Two And A Half Men, I don’t wanna be on it. Please stop watching it. Please stop filling your head with filth. People say it’s just entertainment. Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch. It’s bad news.”

Yeah, cheers mate. Really got your point across there. I know exactly what you’re talking about…

“So, just watch out. A lot of people don’t like to think about how deceptive the enemy is. He’s been doing this for a lot longer than any of us have been around. So we can’t play around. There’s no playing around when it comes to eternity.”

What an idiot.

When I first saw these videos on Buzzfeed I got pretty depressed and pissed off and had a lot of contempt for this guy and his weak, malleable brain. But as I’ve been writing this article a nice little thought has developed in my head.

The fact that internet sites like us and Buzzfeed and everyone else are writing stuff about how stupid this guy is for being taken in by religion, and the fact that people are gonna like it and share it and most importantly agree with it represents a really nice little marker on how religion’s doing these days. In the old days it was news if a famous American person declared that he was an atheist and denounced religion and it might have caused quite a stir. Nowadays, it’s news if a famous American person declares that he is religious and a man of God. And that means that the average mildly intelligent person in the developed world is an atheist, or at least thinks religion is pretty stupid.

You saw the reaction that Russell Brand got when he tore apart those stupid Westboro Baptist twats, and that was in America – the country that was this |<->| close to electing a mormon as president.

It really is only a matter of time until religion becomes a thing of the past, and that just makes me go all warm and gooey inside. There’s hope for us humans yet.

But not this guy. This guy’s going straight to hell:

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FT0DpLkQYMU’]

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTju7uI8-1o’]

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