ITV’s Titanic: It Sinks!

Downton Abbey at sea but it’s on an ‘unsinkable’ ship called the Titanic which sinks. Irony.

The much anticipated ITV version of ‘TITANIC’ hit our screens this week much to the delight of Downton Abbey fans everywhere, but to rest the of us… we couldn’t give a toss? Could we?

Yes the Titanic, one of the most famous disasters in history has been made into several films since it hit the bottom of the Atlantic and now has been turned into an ‘EPIC DRAMA’ by ITV, penned by ‘Downton’ creator Julian Fellowes. If you liked Downton then you’ll probably like this, if you didn’t then you probably shouldn’t bother watching it.

The plot is simple: (SPOILER ALERT!) the Titanic hits an iceberg and sinks! But there is so much more than that, oh yes. There is class snobbery, women in hats, bitching and butlers. The show focuses on the lives of a mixed group of people from all corners of society, rich, poor, not quite as rich and foreign people. The show is full of old fashioned situations like courting and dancing, having tea and things we never see anymore. You won’t see any ‘Big fat gypsy wedding’ style antics or anyone offering hand jobs on this ship. No way!

Much like Downton, there is so much focus on the rich poor divide it actually makes the show pretty boring. There is this one character who acts like she has a lego brick literally stuck sideways up her arse. She’s so snotty, arrogant and attractive that I actually think it would make middle aged women get off the sofa and throw their glasses of pinot rose at the TV in disgust.

The whole class thing is a constant issue that happens in every single scene and it is literally flogged like a dead horse. Do we care that much about the classes of the 1900’s? Maybe you could create a class drinking game where every time a posh person frowns at a peasant or mentions class, you have down a shot of sambucca? I’d be fucked by the end of the second ad break.

This show is focused on a very specific audience, mainly divorcees and women who fantasize about the old times. I actually think most women who watch this show like to think that one day they might meet a gentleman like you see in these period dramas in the hope that he is polite and chivalrous. In truth, if this was the 1900’s women would still be cooking the dinner and doing all the house work whilst suffering the occasional beating. The other main audience for this is those unlucky blokes who’s girlfriends likes this type of shit and you have to suffer and watch it, I salute you all.

I never watched a lot of Downton because I couldn’t give a rats arse about the fictitious lives of the inhabitants of a mansion in the past. Like the real Titanic, this is a sinking ship, it’s hit that TV iceberg called ‘being shit’. The boat begins to sink at the end of the first episode and that was the best thing about it, I hoped most of them would drown. But for a four part show I’m not sure why the ship is sinking at the end of the first episode, what the hell is going to happen in the next episode when it’s fully submerged?

Personally, the tale of the Titantic has always interested me but I’m not bothered about watching a TV show or film about it because I know what’s going to happen at the end. It’s why I never watched the World Trade Centre film.


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