In what can only be described as a truly dark day for football, ITV have just agreed a new two year deal to show all of England’s home qualifiers for Brazil 2014, all England’s friendlies over that two year period and to get first dibs all FA Cup ties. This ultimately amounts to a far bigger blow to the quality of life afforded by the poorest in this country than all the current government’s savage cuts put together.
To the confused amongst you wondering why this is so bad, it’s because ITV are as good at showing football on telly as Piers Morgan is at being sincere and not a twat.
This savage attack on the quality of life of those who cant afford Sky by the cynical bourgeois at the FA is likely to spark protests and eventually widespread rioting across England as the common man decides that they have had just about fvcking enough of Adrian Chiles’ smug, pudgey faced patter.
ITV’s list of crimes against football broadcasting is long and wicked. Here are a few of their lesser broadcasting felonies:
- Having more adverts than a copy of shitting Auto Trader in every single show
- Cutting to those adverts whenever they feel like — see Everton v Liverpool and Dan Goslings extra time winner
- David Pleat’s inane dribble (Pascal Shimbombwa)
- Constant steamy references to ‘that night in Barcelona/Istanbul’ by Clyde Tyldesley. (Its quite clear he gets a little chubby when he does this, hence the absurd number of times he barks it per Champs League game)
- Gareth Southgate’s face, nasal voice and irrelevant opinion
- The introduction of pre match content delivered from a weird branded coffee table thing at the side of the pitch that means everyone shouts a lot (remember when Martin Keown had a sense of humour? Oh hang on…)
- 1.5 million people missing the only moment of joy for an England fan at South Africa 2010 — Gerrard’s early goal against USA
However all of the above pale in comparison to ITV’s greatest sin against the beautiful game, The Premiership. My grandparents youths were blighted and shaped by two world wars, my parents by living through Thatcherism and I in turn had my own yoke to struggle under – dire football coverage.
For those with short memories, The Premiership ran from 2001-04 when the BBC lost the rights to show highlights on a Saturday night to ITV. ITV swiftly pinched Des Lynam for it and plonked him in a studio with a rotating cast of complete choppers each week. Andy Townsend became the worlds biggest bell end overnight as he delivered ‘strategic insight’ suitable for 6 year olds from the Tactics Truck situated in a motorway lay bye somewhere. Coverage was slim and there were adverts every shitting 3 minutes, often in the middle of highlights packages that came with these brain meltingly crap bumpers.
Remember how sickeningly unfunny these were? Now remember seeing them 27 times per episode. You know in cartoons when people are at deaths door in the desert and start tripping out thinking they can see an oasis just out of reach? Yeh well during this period I was like every Saturday night, sweating and shivering in my living room grasping at thin air, except it was a mirage of Mark Lawrenson’s face that I was trying to reach to save me from the horse shit ITV were serving up. Just when you think the trip down memory lane couldn’t get worse you remember the fact that holier than thou, tax dodging weapon Bono and his motley crew of dad rock losers were blasted at you as the show opened and closed.
So there it is, watching England and The FA Cup for the next two years I going to be really terrible. I’m not arsed though, the permanently empty pub round the corner run by some sketchy Thai blokes has an illegal Sky box anyway, and as it happens I like my commentary yelled in Arabic. Sorted.
Tell @petejstarr he’s a schmuck on Twitter…