Potato mash is probably on a weird list somewhere of Britain’s favourite food because we all love mashed potatoes, right? I’ve yet to meet someone who doesn’t like the smooth, creamy alternative to their throat-clogging, boring relatives (jacket potatoes and regular potatoes, you may stand up) and if I was to ever meet someone who reckons they don’t get on with mashed potatoes, I’d tell them they’re a stinking liar and they need to wise up because potato mash is the boy and it’s almost impossible not to like the stuff – unless you were nearly suffocated by Jimmy Savile as a child as he plunged buckets of mash down your throat so you could become delirious and he could touch you up, or you’re really weird and are one of those people who eat chips but not potatoes. As I said, weird.
There’s nothing like a good bit of mash on a Sunday afternoon when you’re drained from Saturday night’s antics and just want to chill out and eat awesome food and watch films or something, wondering if your hangover/comedown will still be there tomorrow (Monday morning) when you’ve gotta go back to the 9-5 grind and wait solemnly for the weekend to begin again. Pair a hangover with creamy mash and gravy and sausages and you’ll feel ten times better until you chunder an hour later when you gag at the smell of your own piss or realise that scratching of your pubes all the time means you’ve caught something from that girl you hooked up with last night. Yes, potato mash is a gift from the gods when it comes to hangover comfort and it’s also good food to come home to when you’ve been off your tits for a few days at a festival. Pure British lifesaver, mash is.
So, yeah, pretty much all of us love mash. Which is why I’m letting you know about this travesty. Part of the exquisite nature of mash and gravy is in the preparation, the ingredients, the cooking time, the little condiments you add in to suit your taste. It truly is an art form and this is sort of like some shitty graffiti you see on a train or in some sidestreet somewhere compared to legit artwork, you know, the stuff like ‘I WOZ ERE 2K13’ or ‘I LUV REVVING MY QUADBIKE OUTSIDE UR HOUSE’ when you compare it to the real deal.
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So here it goes. This is a machine that serves mashed potatoes and gravy on tap. It’s in Singapore so let’s hope it doesn’t wander over here and ruin our future. The stuff must be as fake as Danniella Westbrook’s nose as the ‘mash’ looks like some sort of pale-creamy intestine flying out of the tap and the ‘gravy’ resembles diarrhea after a four-day binge. Have a look at the way it slops in. This truly is the epitome of fast food – complete shit.
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