CHIRPSES

Zombies, Spiders And Bird Flu V2: Here Are 3 Obvious Reasons Why We’re All About To Die

Manchester Apocolypse

A quick look at some of the more obvious ways we’re all about to die horribly that nobody seems to have noticed.

Manchester Apocolypse

It’s often said that if we do not learn from the mistakes of history, we will be doomed to repeat them.

Sometimes, however, it’s not so much a case of “learning from history” as “paying attention to the present a little better.”

For example, many people didn’t spot that Hitler was going to be much of a threat until he started on that whole “world domination” kick that made all the papers for a while.

Similarly, stood at the graveside of his first wife, Josef Stalin proclaimed “this creature softened my heart of stone; with her die my last warm feelings for humanity.”

It seems a little odd that nobody present figured that the guy might have turned out to be slightly genocidal.

In the interests of making our readership a little more jumpy and suspicious (as if we could), here’s a Sick Chirpse guide to end of the world scenarios we REALLY should have seen coming.

1. Zombie Fungus

Naughty Dog’s upcoming game “The Last Of Us” is a post-apocalyptic survival horror in which most of the human race has been wiped out by fungal parasites.

Based on fact, the idea for the fungal infection came from the cordyceps fungus, which is a real-life organism that affects ants.

Burrowing into the ant’s brain, it takes control of their bodies and eventually kills them, but not before making them into mindless zombie ants.

☛ More zombies: Click Here For Our Review Of The  Zombieland TV Series.

“The Last Of Us” imagines what would happen if this fungus could transfer to humans, but luckily for fans of shrieking horror, we may not have to wonder for much longer. The cordyceps fungus primarily infects leafcutter ants, and gee whiz, here’s a site where you can buy a big tin of leafcutter ants to eat.

Can’t see any way that could go wrong…

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W01L70IGBgE’]

2. Robot Spiders

Meanwhile, for those who like their horrible deaths at the hands of good old fashioned maniacs, the world reacted with surprisingly little panic to the announcement that Matt Denton from Hampshire had been building an enormous robot spider in his spare time “for a laugh.”

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anvjFjssIEQ’]

Look at that thing and find me any reason – any reason at all – to build one of those things that doesn’t involve super villainy. And don’t say “enormous steel flies,” because that’s ridiculous. The only people who have regular experience with gigantic steel flies are the women who sleep with me.

3. Bird Flu 2: The Quickening

Of course, zombies and robot-armed megalomaniacs are too sci-fi for the good folks at Erasmus University in the Netherlands, who, along with the University of Winsconsin-Madison in the states, have decided to make a more virulent strain of bird flu that can be passed between humans, because, hell, maybe they just didn’t want to live anymore? I’m not quite sure of their logic, but presumably, the Latin motto of Erasmus university translates as “We Hate Pigeons And Ourselves.”

Given that normal bird flu has killed 359 of the estimated 600 people exposed to it, one can’t help but question the logic of making it more likely to kill everyone.

Still, it’s probably nothing to worry about.

Sleep well.

☛ Next: What Happens When You Ring Out A Washcloth In Space?

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