LIFE

The Sick Chirpse Guide To Winning The National Lottery

Follow these 5 steps and win millions.

A couple from Scunthorpe once won £1 million on the National Lottery TWICE in 2 years – beating odds of 283 billion to 1. To put that into perspective, there’s a statistically bigger chance of Elvis being found alive this year and of Boris Johnson entering and winning the 100 metre race at the next Olympic Games.

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Surely this wasn’t just pure luck. Surely those two had some sneaky tactics they deployed that no one else even knew about… until now.

Here are our 5 expert tips for winning the National Lottery:

5. Buy Tickets From Multiple Locations

Lotto

Say you’re feeling extra lucky and plan on spending £20 on Lottery tickets this week, don’t buy them all in one shop like most idiots do. Buy one ticket at several different shops, ideally three or more. The more surface area you cover the better. If you’re playing the Euromillions the most effective move would be to go to a few different countries in Europe and buy one ticket in each. Most surface area covered always wins.

4. Don’t Let Anyone Cut In The Queue Ahead Of You

Couple Wins

Maybe a sweet old lady walks up to you with her Lottery ticket and you think you’ll let her in front as your good deed of the day. Well I hope you feel great about your good deed because that little old lady is going to win the Lottery every time with the Lucky Dip that should have been yours. There are literally millions of pounds and your whole dream life at stake. DO NOT let anyone cut in the queue for any reason.

3. Don’t Buy Your Ticket In Rich Areas

Shopkeeper

Everyone knows that you don’t get to win the Lottery if you’re already rich (unless you’re the aforementioned couple) or if you buy your ticket from a rich area. If you’re really serious about winning go to the poorest, most run down shit hole you can find and buy a ticket there. Don’t worry about the crackhead camped out outside the shop — just go in, buy your Lucky Dip, and leave. Helps if the cashier looks something like the dude above and is also wielding a weapon.

2. Join A Syndicate

Syndicate

If anyone offers you the chance to join their Lottery syndicate, do it. Doesn’t even have to be your work place, just anyone who suggests it. If you refuse they’ll soon be holidaying on some tropical island somewhere while you contemplate smashing through the office windows and jumping to your death just so you can end the mental anguish of missing out on the jackpot.

1. BELIEVE You Will Win

Win

You might think the Lottery is just pure luck, but what you don’t realise is that a lot of it is mental. Don’t believe me? Well let me ask you something — have you ever won the Lottery? Didn’t think so. Follow these 5 steps and you’ll be well on your way to a life of multi-millionaire stress-free paradise.

P.S. Don’t forget to cut us in on the winnings yeah? Cheers.

And whatever you, don’t fuck it all up like this lot did.


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