Police Are Hunting A Hipster Ninja Going Around Masturbating Outside People’s Homes

Lock your windows.

Seattle police are trying to identify a masked man believed to be going around masturbating outside people’s homes while looking through their windows.

Featured Image VIA

The behaviour was first reported on January 10th, when a woman reported seeing a man pleasuring himself outside her front door.

CCTV caught the masturbator outside the same home weeks later on February 7th, showing a man completely covered up except for his right hand and penis.

Others in the area report hearing “suspicious” sounds outside their homes in recent weeks.


People with weird sexual kinks like this fascinate me. I mean imagine needing to dress like a ninja and go around wanking outside other people’s houses in order to get yourself off. It reminds me a bit of the Swiss Cheese Masturbator from a couple years back. Surely that guy didn’t want to be a Swiss cheese masturbator anyone more than this guy wants to be a hipster ninja masturbator, those are just the fucked up cards they were dealt.

I bet each time this guy’s getting dressed in his ninja costume, preparing to unleash his campaign of wanking terror, he’s saying to himself “oh fuck, I can’t believe I’m doing this again. God I’m so fucked up. Fuck it, let’s go.” That’s just no way you can actually be OK with being a hipster ninja masturbator. It’s a legit problem and I hope the guy gets the help he needs before his actual face is plastered all over the Internet.


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