Charlie Paynter

Seeing as it’s Movember, Sick Chirpse reckons it’s an apt time to pay tribute to the top five best mousers the beautiful game has ever seen.

Long before Geordie Shore rejects like Gaz and Jay were a twinkle in the eyes of their fathers, a host of professional footballers brought a whole new meaning to the term ‘taching off. Apparently (and I only know this because the subtitles said so) ‘taching off is a Newcastle slang phrase for when you kiss a member of the opposite $ex. If any opposition player had even dared to tell Liverpool legend Graeme Souness to ‘tache off at the heights of his powers in the 1980s he’d probably have come off worst. You see Mr Souness was something of an enforcer on that Anfield turf and he used to take great pride in his magical moustache. In fact his mouser became one of the most parodied in Britain and he even appeared in an 1982 episode of Alan Bleasdale’s political drama Boys from the Blackstuff. Even if Souness’ lip warmer made him a lookalike for an extra from the Village People he’s still done enough to earn top spot in our prestigious poll.

Graeme Souness

While Souness was terrorising footballers in England, north of the border, Willie Miller was busy picking up trophy after trophy. The Aberdeen sweeper and skipper used to lift trophies for fun when legendary Alex Ferguson was in charge at Pittodrie.

But while Sir Alex was often lauded with the plaudits, has anyone ever stopped to think that in fact it was Miller’s caterpillar that held all of the powers?

Willie Miller

Super Willie was one of the best known faces around in the Granite City and even agreed to grow his top tache back for an Aberdeen charity during last year’s Movember festivities. That’s why he’s number two in the charts.

At number three in our Sick Chirpse standings is a player from the more modern day era – Gary Neville. The former Manchester United and England right back was arguably one of the most hated figures in the game during his illustrious career. Neville, now a respected television pundit, used to love winning at all costs and constantly would wind up opposition fans with his actions on the pitch. However, he was ridiculed for his moustache which often resembled an effort from a pre-pubescent teen.

Gary Neville

Gary Neville

In fact in its early days Gary’s grower certainly wasn’t a thing of beauty or anything to be proud of. It was almost a case of Charlie Chaplin eat your heart out! That’s why he’s earned a special place at number three.

While we start to slide down the rankings let’s also give a few shout outs to other memorable mousers like Ian Rush, David Seaman, Rudi Voller and Phillipe Albert.

But at four we’ve got a real cracker. We present to you Jason Lee! The former Nottingham Forest player suffered at the hands of nearly every terrace chant with the infamous song — “he’s got a pineapple on his head”! Jason can forever thank the lads at Fantasy Football League for starting off that phenomenon which dogged him throughout his less than illustrious playing career.

Jason Lee

Jason Lee

But if that dodgy barnet wasn’t enough to court controversy his moustache just made him an even bigger target. While any of our readers are unlikely to have ever heard of Charlie Paynter we just couldn’t leave him out of this list. Old Chas was manager of West Ham from 1932-1950 and was a glorious purveyor of the over-groomed moustache. That’s enough to earn him the fifth and final spot in our glorious top five.

Charlie Paynter

Charlie Paynter

But have we missed out your top tickler from our list? If so let us know you furry favourite! Also don’t forget to check out our homage to Movember.


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