As you get older, it becomes harder and harder to organise a kick about with your mates and so more and more of us end up joining up with random mates of mates in a weekly game, usually governed by a WhatsApp group. Most of these are fairly easy going affairs, but then, well then there’s the one you’re going to read about in this article.
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An innocent enough sounding guy called Martin (who sounds like he’s into boxing as well from his Twitter handle) revealed that he enquired about joining a weekly game, only to be greeted with an absolutely insane 14 page document detailing the rules and regulations of the club. I’ll let him pick out the highlights:
Thread:
I recently enquired to a football team, bit of 5-a-side fun. What I got in response is biblical.
A 14 page club guide. One four. For a 5-a-side team. Within it it absolute footballing gold, the highlights of which I am now going to share with you…..
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
This 5-a-side team has a ‘Director of Football’. This should have been enough to make me stop reading on Page 1, but I carried on….. pic.twitter.com/4zDOypYXkv
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
“punished until they do”
Not sure if I’d be joining a football team or ISIS. pic.twitter.com/RbbSpJp3e6
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
A 3 week ban because I didn’t read the 14 page handbook properly?! Fuck me, Son got less for kicking a man in the chest pic.twitter.com/0aXOSoJgOR
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
A 3 week ban is also coming your way if you have the audacity to reply to a text the following day. Racking up those suspensions. pic.twitter.com/RYiPtt68hY
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Three more weeks if you engage in chit chat pic.twitter.com/sjxWyAstwW
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Haven’t read the messages? The Gestapo administrator is going to SPOT CHECK YOU and then…..yep, three week ban my friend pic.twitter.com/aInK4CevbL
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Wife died in a car accident did she and you can’t make the game? That’s a THIRTY TWO WEEKS BAN! pic.twitter.com/kc4IppvYt5
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Decided to go for a meal because you were only a reserve that week? You can do it for the next three weeks too mate, as that’s how long your ban will be! pic.twitter.com/kWCYIAjIu9
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
You might be playing at a standard that uses red & blue bibs, but my lord you’d better believe there are the chosen ones who are the “wise footballers among us” pic.twitter.com/jeNgIspZpw
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Seven minutes. Not six, and certainly not eight. Probably get three weeks out for that pic.twitter.com/TLk5JyOGIe
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Got stuck in traffic? You don’t understand the importance of tactics. Three week ban! pic.twitter.com/IpQ3NEE9pL
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Excessive foul language is “encouraged”?! pic.twitter.com/xnmrP74uAr
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
However, don’t be overly competitive or you can be under competitive for……you guessed it, three weeks! pic.twitter.com/5ie0guz30L
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Despite excessive foul language being actively encouraged, you’ll also find yourself sitting out for…..three weeks pic.twitter.com/E00WWrSggq
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Think your captain talks shit? That’s three weeks for you. pic.twitter.com/FcJsjZAo5g
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
Wearing a scarf during a team talk? Understandably punishable by a three week suspension pic.twitter.com/wJaOMSh2OX
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
29 minutes past the hour, 32 minutes past the hour.
No earlier, no later. pic.twitter.com/jw9duKgnNG
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
You’ll be issued with an ID. A simple system, right? Wrong! pic.twitter.com/ts3EeThtdQ
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
In a bizarre plot twist, it turns out you can bet on the games you’re playing in. Pretty sure that contravenes FA regulations. pic.twitter.com/OYVcrqt6U3
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
So, all things considered, I think I might skip over this team. Either that or join them and see if I can achieve the 32 week ban.
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
I forgot about the survey to fill in if you want to join!
“how many keepy uppies can you do with 3 attempts in the back garden”
Ffs, I’m done pic.twitter.com/RDUyMcd4T3
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) January 9, 2020
I mean I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here and say that it I’m in a bunch these WhatsApp groups and it is VERY annoying when people drop out at the last minute/turn up late etc etc, but often it literally can’t be helped a lot of the time and I don’t think the answer to that is to be form a totalitarian regime around what’s essentially supposed to be a bit of a kickabout with your mates? Maybe it works for these guys, but I’m in no rush to be formally exiled by my friends for 32 weeks because I’m in a car accident and can’t make it to the game and didn’t let anyone know because I was in a coma for a week. Sorry guys.
Props to Martin too for doing an excellent blow by blow analysis of the ridiculousness of the whole situation. If you ever need some work, hit us up.
For more of the same, check out this guy who lost his finger in a freak five a side accident. Ouch.
