GETTING CRUNK AT THE WRESTLING

Last month the WWE were in town so we hit it up for jokes.

We had this sick plan to make signs, like “THE ROCK FEARS TIM WILLIAMS” or something that would piss off THE MIZ (who everyone knows is a real wanker) but then on the morning we figured we didn’t want to look like serious wrestling fans, so ditched that idea and just planned to get really wasted instead.

The train out to Sydney Olympic Park takes about 40 minutes, which provided ample time to get real crunk and pumped. On arrival, the venue was totally packed. There must have been 10,000 people there, which is probably more than will be down the Blues now those Hong Kong pr*cks keep selling everyone.

Before the real action started there were heaps of fireworks hyping up the crowd, then CM PUNK marched on moaning about how the WWE has got all corporate and how he had something real important to say and that no one could interrupt him, you know, the typical prompt for someone to interrupt him, and then on cue, RAY MYSTERIO hit Sydney.

MYSTERIO is a real sick-head, that’s just a fact. I mean, the guy took on THE UNDERTAKER who is 5 times the size of him! But once we’d sat back down after the initial excitement, it was pretty lame ‘cos he’d spent 5 minutes hugging little bitchass kids who were sitting right at the front of the ring. You know the kind of kids with bowlcut hairdos and are probably called Chuck or Todd or Cooper.The PUNK/MYSTERIO match was pretty heavy though, I was on the edge of my seat having bet 50 dollars with my buddy Darren that MYSTERIO was gonna smash PUNK with the 619 to win.

Then he did, BOOM!

Next match was lame, it was the divas. The only good bit about this one was that it involved the BELLA TWINS who are both real hotties, so we just talked about which one was hotter and kind of ignored the rest.

The following two match ups were better but didn’t match the excitement of MYSTERIO.

The ALL AMERICAN AMERICAN AMERICAN, Jack Swagger got laid out cold by EVAN BOURNE — that was pretty dope. He did some high flying antics, and I won another 50 before Dolph Ziggler (who is another real w*nker) came on and said he hated Australians and that Australia is shit. Props to him for the comedy but also props to Kofi Kingston (who is clearly having more fun down under) who t kicked the sh*t out of Dolph.

Then came the intermission beer run.

Because I was buzzing and stoked to be 100 up, I decided I’d get the round in so we bought another 20 pints to keep the rhythm going.

We headed back to the seats just in time for THE MIZ vs. ALEX RILlEY. Basically the background to this one is Alex Riley has always been The Miz’s right hand man, kinda like brothers, you know, they always had each other’s back. The problem is that The Miz is just a full on dickhead and Riley only just worked that out.

The general manager came out in this stupid long jacket that looks like it’s his dad’s or something, and announced that this match is going to be SYDNEY STREET FIGHT. All these tables, chairs and pool cues were brought out which was pretty cool, but with those items it was more like a pub fight… maybe they just like alliteration and it’ll be BRISBANE BAR FIGHT instead. The Miz stood on the ropes and started his chant which goes like this:

“I AM THE MIZ… and I am AWESOME!”

Yeah, pretty killer line, but RILEY then grabbed a mic and shouted

“NO YOU AINT, YOU’RE A WANKER!!!”

So then I started this chant up from our seats replacing ‘The referee’ for ‘The Miz’ and going “THE MIZ IS A WANKER, THE MIZ IS A WANKER”. I didn’t expect it to get so much momentum, neither did Riley but soon there was a few thousands screaming at the guy. Miz definitely didn’t expect it either, so he shouted back straight at me: “I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY… I. AM. NOT. A. WANKER!!!”. He then went and proved himself wrong by getting smashed over the face with a pool cue about 10 times before tapping out.

Wanker.

The final fight (I think there were some in between but we were heaps crunk by then so I forgot) was JOHN CENA vs. R TRUTH. R TRUTH has loads of beef with Cena because Cena is the golden boy who all the kids want to be, he hates how they all wear his t shirts and caps and stuff and sing his rap songs, which kind of makes sense… like if I was in the WWE and the manager picked me to be some loser who gets battered and is a prick I’d be real pissed off at the lucky ones who get to be the face of the video game and makes loads of merch deals, you know? This match up lived up to the hype though, CENA bashed TRUTH for 15 minutes straight, FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE and ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT bombs were thrown, and TRUTH was real lucky to stay in it but then just before CENA was prepping to finish him, the ref got in the way and was out cold — what a BONO. Cena was pretty pissed and tried to revive him whilst Truth just lay there being dead and then CM PUNK ran in from nowhere and smashed Cena — what a shocker! Somehow Cena and Truth make it to their feet at the same time and Truth goes to twat Cena in the face with the TITLE BELT but because Cena has some real flexibility and rapid reaction time he ducks and Truth twats PUNK with the belt instead… Cue the ref coming to his senses just in time for Cena to Attitude Adjust Truth one more time, and then it’s ONE… TWO… THREE!!!