Some people earn more money than they know what to do with, other people win more money than they know what to do with. It is a modern indictment against the state of our world that 3% of the global population own 90% of the world’s wealth and that 100% of all lottery winners have absolutely no idea what to do with their money. Help is once again at hand, for if you happen to have won the lottery why not consider the following…

A CHRISTMAS COWELL : ‘JINGLE BOWELS’

Method: Hire a private detective to place a hidden microphone in the toilet basin of Simon Cowell’s L.A. home and, whilst there, bribe his head chef to lace that evening’s meal with an industrial strength laxative. In order to maximise production quality you will also have to externally link the microphone up to a recording study that you have rented for the week in Abbey Road Studies. Once Cowell has dined on his laxative-ridden scoff you and your production team will have to maintain a hushed patience whilst the purgatives take effect. Once your interference with nature has taken its unnatural course and you hear Cowell entering his bathroom and unbuckling his belt quickly instruct your Chief Mixing Engineer to ‘get the levels right for the recording’ and wait for Cowell to purge his hot, sputtering bowels into his cool, ceramic basin. Record for three and a half minutes. Re-mix. Master. Release as a download only single on the first Monday before Christmas. Buy up in bulk so as to ensure the release is Christmas number one. Immediately placing it in the bracket as modern standards such as ‘That’s my Goal’ by Shayne Ward and ‘When You Believe’ by Leon Jackson.

Cost: Pricey and no doubt. A Los Angeles based private detective can be hired for the equivalent of £150 per hour, whilst Abbey Road Studios day hire rates start at £30,000. You’ll have to buy up 500,000 copies of  ‘Jingle Bowels’ during the run up to Christmas day in order to ensure yuletide chart success. At 99p per download that equates to £495,000.  A solid ‘Facebook’ campaign could however help to massively reduced costs.

Optional: Have your private detective install a hidden camera just above Cowell’s toilet and record the music video for the track live. Include this as an extra audio-visual track on the download single under the billing ‘Music Video for Jingle Bowels — LIVE!’ Then put the date that it was recorded on underneath this like it actually fvcking matters one bit and anyone fvcking cares.

You could also include a DVD extra with the download entitled, ‘The Making of the Music Video for Jingle Bowels’, in which the production team, Simon, the private detective and Simon’s head chef recount the dramatic ‘race against time’ involved in everyone pitching in so as to get the track out there in time for the fans.

FINAL DESTINATION : LOOSE WOMEN 

Method: Systematically assassinate the presenters of the popular ITV1 lunchtime television programme ‘Loose Women’ in a series of imaginative ways. Sherrie Hewson conveys a sense of pride in her mad-aunt-ignorance that warrants an execution without compassion. Purchase several hardback first editions of ‘Little Women’ (those women knew what they were talking about) and instruct your hired assassin to approach Hewson in a darkened alleyway and mercilessly thrash her over her inane head with it until she loses consciousness.

NOTE: It may be hard to judge when Hewson loses consciousness as she rambles incoherently and dribbles when fully conscious. To this end it is advisable that you instruct your assassin to check her pulse to ensure that all signs of life have vacated her person.

Repeat this process with Cilla ‘I Knew the Beatles’ Black and Coleen ‘I Knew the Nolans’ Nolan. This will instil a sense of fear in the presenters of ‘Loose Women’ as the realisation hits them that they are being specifically targeted. As a result of this ‘Loose Women’ should cease production.

Cost: Relatively low. A hardback first edition of ‘Little Women’ will set you back £2500. Assassins’ costs vary considerably. You’ll need a consummate professional mind, in which case you’re looking at £50,000 per head. All told, for just under £160, 000, ‘Loose Women’ could disappear from our screens for good.

Optional: You could opt to have Hewson, Black and Nolan executed in a series of elaborately different and highly imaginative ways, but what you have to ask yourself is, ‘Are they really worth all that thought and effort?’ The answer to which is, ‘No.’

Richard ‘The Hamster’ Hammond

Method: Invite Richard Hammond round to your house on the proviso that you want him to present a programme about anthropomorphism. Offer Hammond a drink and lace it with 10ml of liquid chloroform. Wait for the chloroform to take effect and once Hammond collapses on your floor strip him naked and shave him bare. Next, plonk Hammond down on a bed and set-up an intravenous drip of liquid chloroform that will keep Hammond in a continual state of unconsciousness.

Invite a tailor over to your house and have Hammond measured up. You must instruct the tailor that you don’t require a standard suit made from standard materials, but instead require a full body suit made from real hamster fur that Hammond can be squeezed and stitched into as if it were his own skin and fur.

Once the hamster suit is finished hire a local surgeon to come over and stitch Hammond into his new skin and remove his vocal chords, thus rendering his hamster form complete.

Cost : Surgeons that have been struck-off the medical register tend to operate illegally on Harley Street. Ideally you want a surgeon that holds expertise in skin-to-skin stitching and vocal chord removal. £500,000 should cover such concerns, but ask the surgeon to throw in the chloroform for that price, otherwise you’re robbing yourself. A reliable tailor, that asks no questions and has experience in sourcing hamster pelts, can be found in and around the backstreets of Soho. For £100,000 these morally bankrupt haberdashers will create absolutely anything.

Optional: Have a giant hamster cage built and erected in your back garden. Cover the cage’s floor with wood shavings and put in a giant wheel. Toss Hammond ‘The Hamster’ Hammond into cage and watch him quiver in utter fear. In fact, this isn’t optional at all, make sure to do this as well.

Enjoyed this? Check out my first installment: More Money Than Sense.