A Sick Chirpse Plea To America: Elect Obama Again



On November 4th 2008, whilst reclining on a tattered, uncomfortable chair in my halls of residence, I was transfixed on a television screen because it seemed America was on its way to electing its first African American president. As the night progressed, Barack took state after state and the crowd I was with got increasingly drunk. Sure, it may have been an inevitable victory — an elderly John McCain was no match for someone who actually looked like they knew what he was doing — but it was a monumental moment; George Bush was a goner and it seemed like the US had taken a gigantic leap forward. When it was confirmed that Obama had won, at around 6am, I ran around my block (off my face), embracing anyone who was awake, before blasting this about fifteen times in a row:

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7o3YagGAFo’]

So if we fast-forward to present day, Barack Obama is about to face his toughest trial yet. Crazy neo-conservatives, Tea Party affiliates, the Christian far-right and, lets face it, racists are all after B-dog’s blood and they’re all going to head to the voting stations in droves. So this is a plea, an open letter and a plethora of reasons why Obama has to win over Mitt Romney.

Women’s Rights

BO: The first thing Obama did when he assumed office was sign the ‘Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Restoration Act’. What’s that? It was an act that ensured that everyone, regardless of gender, were paid the same amount by employers. Sweet right? Well that’s just one of the things Obama has done to further the advancement of equality across America.

MR: He wants to make abortion illegal: Yep that’s right. A bunch of old, rich dudes are going to tell women what to do with their bodies. This is due to the fact the far-right Tea Party have the Republican Party’s balls in a grip tighter than Quest Love’s drumming on The Tipping Point. Under Romney, expect applications for Teen Mom to increase ten-fold.


BO: Now I’m not saying the American tax system is perfect (or in the UK for that matter) but this year, Obama went a little way in guaranteeing working class Americans paid on average a $1000 less tax. What a lovely chap. I wonder what Romney wants to do with tax if he gets in…

MR: Tax breaks for the rich. Oh wow, great idea guy. Who cares that poverty rate in America is ridiculous considering it’s a developed country. Romney plans to reduce tax for the rich to 20% of their income. WTF BRO. GIVE AMERICA ITS MONEY BACK, BUYING YOUR LOCAL CHURCH GOLDPLATED PEWS CAN WAIT A WHILE DUDE.


BO: For the first time ever Obama introduced universal healthcare into the crazy-capitalist nation of America. He deserved a million high fives for trying to even pull that shit. How he got away with it is beyond me. I mean, sure, he was met with fierce opposition from the Tea Baggers, but the big O laughed it off, mainly due to how bat-shit crazy they are. I recall watching a protest rally regarding free healthcare on Fox News where a guy was stopped and asked why he was there. He responded, “I don’t know, I just always wanted to see Washington, YUP”. Sure, that’s a pretty dumb thing to say to someone who’s vehemently opposing something, but the dude was CARRYING A LIFE-SIZE MODEL OF A CRUCIFIX ON HIS BACK whilst he was saying it. Whatever hauling a religious prop around the capital of US says about healthcare, I do not know. Maybe, erm,  ‘Jesus died for our sins so that we could go private’.  I weep for the future.

MR: Pretty easy this one: he wants rid of free healthcare, which I may remind him (I’m sure he’s reading this) was introduced to help the poorest. And rightly so, how DARE the poorest of America work hard for low pay and have the right to a check-up now and again.

Gay Rights

BO: Barack is a strong advocate of equal rights for gay and lesbian people. In 2010, he repealed an act that stopped gay or lesbian people openly stating their sexuality in the army. That’s cool. It’s only natural, it’s the 21st century for Christ sake! Oh wait, what? People in America think differently?

MR: Romster the monster opposes same-sex marriage and civil unions as marriage is only for a man and women under the beady eyes of God. That’s a weird belief seeing as he’s a freakin’ Mormon and they believe a man can have loads of wives. Anyway, I have been a bit hard on Romney here because he did say that he’d make it easier for gay people to have hospital visitation rights. They’re probably in the hospital from an injury sustained due to all the bumming they do, ain’t that right Mitt?


BO: Now this is the topic that keeps it a little murky when it comes to B-man because he kind of has to listen to AIPAC (the American Israeli Public Affairs Committee) as the people they represent hand the government a lot of dollars and, as such, Obama has has to pretend to listen to Israel’s fears about Iran’s alleged plans for a nuclear program. What’ll happen (hopefully) is Barack will engage in negotiations with Iran for ages and tell them to not try any shit, after which Iran will back down.

MR: Yeah, he’s going to bomb the shit out of the place. If he gets in we’re really fucked because American presidents don’t fvck about when it comes to using the Middle East as a playground. It’ll cause a global scene, making people viciously hate America and the West. Oh Christ I’m scared.

Err, things have got a bit heavy here. Here are some fun reasons why Obama deserves a second term:

☛ More: Barack Obama Is Still One Cool Motherfucker

He Likes To Tank Some Brewskis Now And Again

Do you want a lame-o Christian douchebag who doesn’t like to throw down a chill or do you want Barack ‘beer-bong-badboy’ Obama to turn up to your local bar and sink a delicious frosty one with you? Yeah I thought so.

He Has The Biggest Celebrity Following Ever

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBewrP1X_is’]

(Avengers director Joss Whedon on Mitt Romney’s plans for a Zombie apocalypse)

Now the Republican Party throw up a mad stink about the ‘liberal agenda’ of Hollywood, but maybe if you dudes stopped hating everything and everyone people might think you guys are ok. All you have is Clint Eastwood shouting at a chair. I guess that’s kind of cool in a “oh no, Grandpa’s gone crazy again’ way.

He Once Slowjammed The News

 [yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAFQIciWsF4′]

I’m sorry but what president other than Obama would ever pop up on a chat show and embrace popular culture in such a smooth, winning and genuine way? The best bit of fun you could have hoped for with George W. was him inserting a PG-rated swearword into a hymn during mass on Sunday, quietly sniggering to his exasperated wife. Poor Laura.

He Has A Great Singing Voice

 [yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7x4ZS7ZZWc’]

Of vital importance to the governing of the most powerful nation on earth? Yes. It says a lot about a president if they’ve some musical talent. Clinton used to boss it out on the sax and everyone loved it. Barack likes to channel his inner soul-singer and he sounds like a treat.

☛ More: Barack Obama Fires Marshmallow Cannon In The White House

☛ More: Barack Obama Takes Part In Ask Me Anything On Reddit

Of course, we can not partake in the election, but I feel if Mitt Romney gets in, shit will pop off and will probably impact on us, seeing as Cameron would blatantly become bosom buddies with him. So, if you know any Americans, even if you hate them with your entire might, tell them to vote democrat! We need Obama to take the Whitehouse again. He’s our only hope.




(also follow me: @Josephtinkler)



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