I’ve never been much of a gambling man. I’d rather spend my money on drink, smokes, shit haircuts and therapy. I also know that if I was to try gambling right now then I’d more than likely become addicted, just like I did with the smut and the smokes. It’s a dangerous game and one that I don’t really enjoy, much like Monopoly really. But I’m better at Monopoly and will crush you all. Old Kent Road for the win. Out of the few times I’ve gambled, I’ve always lost money and haven’t really known what I’m doing when I’m chucking the plastic chips all over the table like confetti and even though everyone reckons gambling is about luck, I don’t think it’s about luck at all and is about know-how, technique and endurance. Which I haven’t got, as any girl I’ve been with will tell you.

☛ Like A Flutter?: The House Always Wins

I’m only ever in the vicinity of (legal) gambling when it’s 5 in the morning and the clubs in town are full of lost expectation and puke and I’m dragged into a casino by my mate who’s a bit handy with the wager and I usually just sit at the table he’s on, sipping a cold one, while he bets his money away for the pleasure of a not-so-cheap thrill. If there’s a fit girl near I’ll usually admire her for a bit, wondering what shampoo she uses and whether or not I’d be admiring her if I was sober, until my mate’s had his fill and we leave and I fall asleep in the taxi. A casino at that time is pretty weird, I mean more weird than usual, as everyone there is really really wired and broken and it’s a strange mix of sugar daddies, desperate students, cougars, guys wondering where their lives went and really rich Asians who walk around the drunks as if they’ll catch leprosy.

☛  More Disease: George Clooney Contracted Malaria

But this is one new gambling craze that’s really taken off and one that I could probably get down with and spend a shilling or two on. You don’t have to worry about any horse breaking their leg or any jockey breaking their back, or the cards being played around with, or the dealer being all crooked and fucking you around. This is true, clean gambling that all the family can enjoy and everyone will love.

☛ Family Gambling: Cheeky Bingo

This craze is called: Vibrating Dildo Racing. It basically does what it says on the tin. Vibrating dildos racing each other to the finish line, all in the name of a good old gamble. The game can be played by up to 8 people and it puts 4 battery-powered dildos up against each other in a 1mph race to glory. The winner gets the prize of being named the cock of the walk.  The game has really taken off in Vegas, where everyone is really mental and unhinged so it makes sense.

Check out the action:

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