David Luiz Suffers A Terrible Prank

I was searching for ages for a picture of David Luiz looking sad or upset or angry but I couldn’t find anything, so don’t let that picture fool you. He wasn’t looking puzzled or tired during most of this prank show – he was pretty much on the verge of tears throughout it all.

If you hate Chelsea, which is probably most of you, then you’ll like this. I support Chelsea and even I enjoyed seeing him getting all upset and scared, because he loves to be the jester at Chelsea, which would be fine if he wasn’t also such an immature idiot when it comes to doing what he’s actually payed to do, which is fvcking defend. I can put up with poor form and even laziness but if there’s one thing I can’t stand with players in my team, it’s stupidity. I danced around the room when Jose Bosingwa fucked off last summer because he is honestly the dumbest fucker in world football.

Anyway, this happened back when Luiz was playing for Benfica and the prank was done by some Portuguese show, but TalkSport only found it and put it on YouTube a few days ago so you won’t have seen it.

Basically, he’s at a bowling alley and what happens is the maintenance guy goes to fix something down by the pins and then hides up there for ages waiting for David to assume he can start playing again. Then when he finally goes ahead and bowls the next ball, the maintenance guy comes crawling back out with loads of fake blood on his head and really badly acts like poor David has smashed him on the head with the bowling ball. If David had thought for, like, maybe 2 seconds, he’d realise that if you’ve just been smashed on the head hard enough to be covered in blood in 5 seconds, you’re actually not gonna be conscious and you’re just gonna hit the deck like a sack of potatoes. But he doesn’t because, as I say, he’s an idiot.

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So this guy drags himself all the way up the alley, because apparently Luiz took his legs out too (he nailed that split shot), and then there’s two interesting reactions:

1) One of the workers at the bowling alley immediately turns to Luiz and starts interrogating him on why he bowled the ball and quickly starts accusing him of doing it on purpose.

2) Excluding the single medic, not one person goes over to check if this guy’s ok. I mean, fair enough if everyone except David knows it’s a prank, but David doesn’t. All he does is weakly start protesting his innocence. Obviously he didn’t do it on purpose – it’s insane to accuse him of doing it on purpose. But is it not also pretty inhumane of him to not rush over to help the guy that he just accidentally mutilated?

And then as the other guy relentlessly accuses him of attempted murder and gets the police involved, David gets closer and closer to breaking down in tears. To be fair, I am in no position to judge him for looking like a little pussy in this situation because I’ve never had this kind of traumatising shit dumped on me, but if I ever did I’d hope I’d handle it with at least a morsel of masculinity and maturity, rather than crumbling into weak declarations of innocence and the waterworks.

But really, what I meant to talk about was how awful and disgusting this prank is. How can they possible think it would be funny?

“All these TV pranks about scratching cars and making David Beckham late for a meeting are so boring, let’s make David Luiz think he’s killed a guy and is going to prison for manslaughter!” “Yeah, that’s hilarious!”

Cunts. That would be fvcking horrible. No one should ever be put in that position. That’s not humour, that’s torture. It’s psychological Hostel.

And then some bitch comes over to take it even further away from the line, which they crossed a few miles back.

I’d love to say that, once they told poor David it was a prank, he got over it and was a good sport, but they show a total of about 3 seconds of his face after he finds out, and it isn’t very conclusive.

I hope he fvcking broke those pricks’ noses.

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