LIFE

These ‘Sex Tips’ From Cosmopolitan Prove Why No One Should Take Sex Tips From Cosmopolitan

Who comes up with this stuff?

Cosmopolitan – the world of poorly written, ill-informed, pseudo-feminist bullshit. This “female institution” seems to think of women as vacuous sacks that should be covered in designer gear, spend mornings eating brunch with the gals before heading off to be filled with dick.

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Quite frankly, it’s an insulting publication and despite claiming to know everything there is to know about the female (and male) orgasm, the writers give off tips like they’re writing from the sexual knowledge of a 15-year-old who has just read ’50 Shades of Grey’ for the first time. Their suggestions range from the disgusting to bordering on genital mutilation. Here are some of the most messed up ones we could find (in case you were wondering, these are all genuine word-for-word quotes pulled from either the print copy of Cosmo or their website):

Pepper him up 

Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.

Oh yeah, I’ll just pull out my cracked black pepper shaker while I’m sucking on his dick shall I? And I’m sure the dude’s going to love getting a face full of seasoning while he’s trying to get himself off.

The sour challenge

Blindfold your guy or send him into another room. Suck on the sour candy for a few seconds before running it over five unexpected hot spots on your body—like behind your knees, on your left nipple, near your collarbone. Then he has to use his sense of taste to find those areas. If he gets all five right, pass him a Warhead and ask him to challenge you.

Surely trying to fuck a girl that is covered in Raspberry Shocker is enough to send that boner back to floppy status?

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Krispy Kreme

Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.

This is unhealthy for a number of reasons.

Play Pacman on his pecker 

Move his penis all around like an old-school Atari joystick – up, down, side to side, in a circle.

Yeah, try to collect all the cherries while you’re at it.

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Rare, or medium rare?

Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.

He’s not a fucking steak.

Loose change

Put a bunch of (clean) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only). The cold against the warm? Incredible.

I’m struggling to understand how this can be pleasurable for either party.

Festive treat

Use the spray version of red-hot cinnamon candy to graffiti each other’s bodies. See which one of you can come up with the naughtiest image or dirtiest phrase. And yeah, you should take turns licking it off.

Unless you want to taste like a pumpkin spiced latte, this is not the sex tip for you.

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Married vs. Single

Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men. 

I’m sure they got those figures from a highly reputable source.

Sports fan 

Keep a paddlebrush, a soft scarf, and a baseball (yes, a baseball) on your bedside table. While he’s on top, alternate between scratching his back and butt with the bristles of the brush, stroking him with the scarf, and rolling the baseball over his skin.

Gotta love the feeling of them dirty stiches being scratched all over your back, am I right?

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Tap it in 

Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.

Are you hearing this ladies? All this time we’ve been being way too gentle. Time to start going savage on that dick.

Well that was fun. And I think we’ve all learned something here – don’t trust anything you read from Cosmo, unless you want to have an awkward/painful/logistically impossible sexual experience.

For more insightful lists, check out these 10 things that should never have been on sale in Poundland.


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