We live in an age where TV execs think that we, as forward thinking, intelligent people, want to watch banal, waste of time reality TV shows. TV shows that have little to no value, no excitement. The worst of all though, is that these shows lack bloodshed. The channels pay top dollar to attract such mediocre figures in the highbrow world of celebrity. They think what we want to see is a bunch of wannabes doing quirky challenges when all we really want is to see somebody hurt themselves, hopefully, quite seriously. Now, imagine a TV show that promises that on a nightly basis. You tell me that wouldn’t draw in viewers. I give you ‘Celebrity Guillotine.’
The concept is a fairly simple one. Every day, two of the ‘celebs’ would compete against each other. They would be picked by the viewer in the same way as Big Brother would evict a housemate. There’d be a number to call for you to choose the contestant you would like to see in the showdown. (nb. There will be a small charge as this shit is expensive). The interesting bit would be the challenges. There is a tendency with reality TV shows these days to think up the most elaborate or disgusting of challenges. This is where Celebrity Guillotine would differ. The two celebrities would have to go head to head playing children’s games, for example, Connect 4, Battleships, Buckaroo, to name a few. The prize for the winner? A temporary reprieve. And what of the loser, I hear you ask! Well, look carefully at the name of the programme and take a wild guess.
The programme would be a week-long affair, with one execution (ahem I mean elimination) per night, with a special double elimination on the final night. The winner amongst the contestants will be the last person to have his head chopped off. The true winner though, the true winner would be us, the audience. We would be thrust into a world free of a bunch of boring bastards who offer very little to society. I know, I’m a dreamer.
The Ideal Line-up
Piers Morgan — I literally cannot wait for the day it all comes crashing down on him. What a disgusting man. You’d have thought someone with such a shady past would be a bit more humble about the success he has achieved. Instead we have a smarmy dickhead who seems to have elected himself ‘the voice of the people’. Nobody likes you, nobody agrees with what you’re saying, you are a twat (here’s the proof) but yes, I have a TV show you could appear on.
Jedward — I suppose Jedward are the Marmite of the celebrity world. You either love them or hate them. I hate them, their hair, their matching costumes, their silly dancing and their lip-syncing. Grow up already! Pretty certain the chance to play Buckaroo on TV would have them chomping at the bit to sign up.
Frankie Cocozza — The guy was booted from X-factor and then went on to not win Celebrity Big Brother and all of a sudden he thinks he’s Mick Jagger. From what I’ve seen of him on TV there is not a single endearing quality about him. I’d definitely tune in to see him lose his head.
Vanessa Feltz — This could be considered quite cruel because she hasn’t really appeared on TV for a fair while. However, I just know that the next time she appears on our screens with that holier-than-thou attitude, the disdain is going to come rushing back. I think the BBC missed a trick when they failed to tie lead weights to her wetsuit while filming Hole In The Wall.
Robbie Savage — Never has a man who means so little to everybody in the country had such a skewered sense of reality. Football fans despise him and his ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ star is fading very very fast. You can feel the desperation to be noticed festering inside of him. He’d sign up instantly, then tell the press he has no idea where the rumours are coming from before finally revealing he’s on the show.
The cast of TOWIE — I don’t have any particular beef with any one individual on the show but I figured, get rid of all of them then there wouldn’t be a show anymore. It’s such a poor programme. What were you thinking ITV?
Katie Price — Katie Price/Jordan, however you like to be referred, please could you get your perma-tanned, fish-lipped disgusting self off of my TV. Nobody cared when you went into the jungle. Nobody cared about you and Peter Andre. Nobody cared about ‘what you did next.’ Nobody cared when you went back into the jungle. Nobody cared when you found a new Argentinian beau. Nobody cared when you broke up with him. Nobody cared when you got back together with him. You getting the picture yet? NOBODY CARES! Although, you announce to the public, you’re going to appear on my show and people will take an interest.
I definitely think this show has legs and could become as big a phenomenon as Big Brother, if not even bigger. It has a winning formula sure to attract millions upon billions of viewers. Now, who to pitch it to first?