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Catholic Church Launches ‘Sindr’ App For Those Needing To Confess An Urgent Sin

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For the millennial Catholic.

Smartphones and their apps have brought information to our fingertips quicker than ever before.

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The news of seven billion people can be seen instantly in the palm of our hands as soon as it happens. We can watch the live footage of the second coming of Hitler as he wins his election, then immediately afterwards, see children pulled from the rubble of a bombed hospital, both thousands of miles from the safe haven of your bedroom, while you wipe Dorito crumbs off your Ironman onesie.

During all this, the Catholic Church has been feeling left out. Everyone is on their phones and church attendance is down, so Priests are missing out on their weekly dose of confession gossip.

In Scotland, Archbishop Leo Cushley has remedied the latter problem by using the former, and he has developed a smartphone app that enables a sinner to locate their local parish and make a confession remotely, in between watching videos of cats pushing each other down stairs, and Mexican cartel beheadings. The confession app will provisionally be called Sindr.

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Now Priests, Bishops, Archbishops and even the Pope can hang out together with a goblet of communion wine, on those quiet Sunday mornings, after rushing through a mass to an elderly audience of five people, and laugh judgingly at the myriad of secrets that their subscribers are confessing to. I assume a bot responds with, “say two Hail Mary’s and five Lord’s Prayers.”

But it’s not all men of the cloth sat with a box of popcorn playing confession Top Trumps. The users of this app can actually benefit from this too.

Catholics say that confession is good for the soul, and in this modern world where everything moves at a thousand miles per hour, being able to confess on the move is definitely a positive for millennial Catholics.

A user can partake in cyber bullying whilst simultaneously confessing about the fact they’re partaking in cyber bullying.

Someone having sex out of wedlock on the night of their first date with someone on Tinder, can confess to their Priest immediately after orgasm, during that open, honest, guilty conscience period before falling asleep. Alternatively, they could confess before the act whilst having filthy thoughts, then again whilst undressing, then again during foreplay, then again in between each position change. A good Priest can advise accordingly on the best penance to enact in order to appease an omnipotent creator who gave humans the biological tools, free will and instruction to engage in such perfectly natural, but bizarrely frowned upon exchange of anatomical niceties. Or the Priest could use the material for his own pleasure.

Users can confess to being jealous of successful people on social media, or for lying about themselves on their own profiles, trying to make themselves look more interesting.

Priests will also have to be on the lookout for adults confessing to sexual thoughts or actions with children as these people will need close monitoring. Or the Priest could use the material for his own pleasure.

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No doubt all of the confessions will join all of the other personal information in the giant filing cabinet in the sky, known as The Cloud, where it will be stored and owned by America, along with everyone’s fingerprint that they use to log into their phones (for their own safety), photos of their genitals they’ve sent to potential sexual conquests, and private messages sent to friends and loved ones containing sensitive information.

All of these details are in safe hands though, especially with the new regime in the White House, as Catholics are not Muslim, so nobody is interested in snooping into their private details.

It certainly does show that even religion has to become a part of the modern world. I bet you anything this priest who hoverboards will be all over this app.

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