Brian Sewell: The Real Brian Badonde

Take Facejacker’s Brian Badonde and strip away the speech impedement and the homosexual desires. Add a heaped tablespoon of culture and knowledge, and a dash of badassery, and you’re left with Brian Sewell.

Brian Badonde is just one of the many brain-children of comedic genius Kayvan Novak. It doesn’t seem that long ago when Facejacker hit our TV screens and everyone suddenly developed a speech impedement that caused us all to add the letter ‘b’ onto the front of every word, along with a Tourettes’-like compulsions to shout “BWAH” and “Booo” at any opportunity. Well if you take the beloved comedy character and strip away the hilarious noises and the homosexual urges, you’re left with a London-born, privately educated art critic, with a voice so elegant and soothing that he could describe some Brazilian fart smut and it would sound like an account of the Queen’s trip to the Cotswolds.

In fact, what you’re left with is Brian Sewell – the most well-spoken man on television.

Here’s a clip of him describing some torturous 18th century execution. Observe the splendour and grace with which he says “rotting vegetables and dog shit” at 1:00:

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This next one is my mate’s favourite. Brian is describing how the last Medici of Florence would be ‘entertained’ by young boys. I’m not entirely sure what it is Brian is trying to infer they got up to, but if it’s what I think it is, it’s pretty disgusting. But his animation and exquisite deliverance make you forget about what he’s actually talking about and enjoy each phrase and sentence on its own.

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He started out as an art critic and historian but people have become so endeared by his tone and vocabulary that he is often asked for his charming and educated opinion on anything in the news or media. Here’s him giving his delightfully cultured slant on the naked photos of Prince Harry. My favourite line is at 2:33, when Brian declares “It is too pretty to shock. It is not a man proudly waving his willy about.”

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Now this one’s my favourite. Brian has wound up on The Alan Titchmarsh show, but has no quarms about telling Alan to his face that he’s only there for the cheque, so no respect lost there. I don’t wanna spoil it too much for you because Brian’s delivery is once again supreme, but he basically absolutely rips Victoria Beckham to shreds. He also has a dig at Alan Titchmarsh on his own show which is pretty funny because Alan Titchmarsh completely has it coming to him because who the fvck is Alan Titchmarsh and why did he have his own chat show?

I’ve never watched an episode of that gardening programme that he used to do, but it quickly becomes quite clear that he’s completely lame, not least from the way he apologises to Posh Spice for what Brian says, referring to her as a ‘dress designer’. The other guests on the show (whose names or reasons for being on a chat show I have no idea) then proceed to throw their pointless tupence in as Brian sits there, desperately trying to understand what the hell these common idiots are talking about, and why there is an audience to witness this mindless drivel.

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Next up is Brian being pranked called by Victor Lewis-Smith, who some people believe Kayvan Novak ripped off with the whole Fonejacker thing. Well maybe Novak got a few ideas from Lewis-Smith, but one crucial difference that I can see here is that when Novak prank calls people, he doesn’t lose. In this feeble attempt by VLS, Brian remains in complete control of the conversation all the way through and gets the final word, which he delivers in customarily assertive fashion. VLS gets sat. 1-0 to Brian.

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Now Brian Sewell and Brian Badonde are starting to look quite different. Speech impedement and homosexuality aside, Badonde is a bumbling idiot that never actually has a clue what he’s talking about and just wants to please his audience, whereas Sewell is a badass who doesn’t really give a fvck, partly because he is more learned and articulate than anyone he will ever meet.

But this last clip is the reason I’m 100% sure that Brian Sewell was the inspiration behind Novak’s Brian Badonde. Sewell is illustrating a section of the Grand Tour of Italy that he took as a student. You can watch the whole thing if you want to but the special part is right at the end, at 2:50, when Brian explains how they got out of the awkward pedestrian square they’d driven into.

“…and slowly, painfully, and by the grace of god, we went bumpity bumpity bump down these steps.”

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Bumpity Bumpity BWAAHHH!!!


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