We Explain Why Your Film Choices Suck


Stop rotting your brains on remakes – watch the real, beautiful, and subtitled, deal.


There’s a film that came out late last year  called Pusher that some of you may have seen, or may be thinking of seeing. It’s got a lot of Wham! Bam! stars in it, and the adverts are all dead Shazaam! an’ shit, and wow it looks really umm vigorous and quite probably brain dead, huh? HUH? Well, the party pooper that I am, I’m about to tell you why not only should you avoid it like a 1970’s light entertainment nonce in tailored sportswear, but why just thinking about seeing it marks you out as an unadventurous, no mark, lazy twat-chops: It’s a remake.

☛ More Proof If Needed: Film Remakes That Make You Cringe

Now I could, in all honesty, end the article there. It’s the minimum information that you need to make a rational choice about your mental and moral health when it comes to movies. Seriously. But then the nice men at Sick Chirpse Towers wouldn’t publish my article, and I’d suffer a huge trough in self-confidence, and quite possibly start taking heroin. So, here’s a bit more information for you which, if you can be arsed to peel yourself from the adhesive combination of Pringle crumbs and spunk coating your hideous DFS leatherette nightmare long enough to free yourself from whatever vile spell your culturally bereft parents have had you under since birth, may just broaden your horizons and show that non-mainstream films can be truly enjoyed, rather than just endured because they’re not the comfortable shape you’re used to. Read on, McDuff…

The Rest Of The World make some of the most challenging and rewarding films you could ever see. We used to, and so did the Americans. Not even that long ago. Think Hitchcock. Think Deliverance. But not often and not these days. Oh sure, you get some great films occasionally, although quite often they’re at the thin end of the mainstream wedge — Dead Mans Shoes, Fargo, maybe even Brokeback Mountain if you’re into love stories.

Look, I’m not trying to claim that all US/UK films are shit, no no no, rather that most successful  films no longer try for originality, or innovation. They don’t have to, because the last couple of generations have been trained, like a load of goggle-eyed techno hounds in some kind of sub- Pavlovian experiment, to hoover up glossy and loud shite by the hour. In the same way as certain breeds of townie  think that fine dining can be achieved by leaving the gherkin in a Big Mac. Or that the apex of beauty is reliant on shiny pockmarked skin the colour of satsumas. Apologists will patiently explain that such cultural changes come about in response to societal demands. Bollocks. People are generally lazy, and Big Money knows it, and so they create the easy option which costs them, and benefits us the least.

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And so is the case with the film Pusher, then.  ‘Have you seen it?’ some annoying flap is bound to ask. No I fucking haven’t, and I’d rather let a baboon use my cock as a vuvuzela than see a fantastic storyline raped by that gang of film-ruining mercenaries. Because I saw the original. With, yes say it loud, SUBTITLES. And it was GREAT. And it was great because the people who made the original Pusher trilogy wanted it to be enjoyed, and for there to be a modicum of social commentary, and for it to show the viewers a slice of life they probably hadn’t seen before.

The barren and tasteless nipples who commissioned the remake wanted people to go see it in their millions, and eat shitloads of over-priced, calorific old vom, and tell all of their equally discerning UNGH mates to do likewise ‘cos there’s guns and stuff’ and never once thought about whether it actually had any value. God you make me sick. The original Pusher was a bleak and depressing tale of a small-time loser, fresh out of jail and trying to impress his dad, who was an old school Fagin character involved in the stolen car trade. The crime and violence were secondary to the exposé of the frailties of the human condition. The people in it, both in looks and character, were unattractive. What glamour was hinted at was cheap and temporary. It was reflective in the extreme, but the cheap cocaine thrill of the remake will mean that no one will ponder very much, in the hours following seeing it, aside from whether or not the fit bird has any titty pics on Google Images.

“But that’s all I want from a film” I hear you grunt, struggling a bit with the difficult transition from the ‘l’ to the ‘m’ in ‘film’. Yes, but have you ever considered there may be more to it? And that you might not even have to try very hard to get there? Watch Pusher, by all means, just go watch the original as well, afterwards. “But I can’t read very well” you whine, in the hope of shaming me into leaving you alone… THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW I’VE JUST MOCKED YOU, EH? What you mean is ‘I’m too bone idle to make any effort in any aspect of my life that doesn’t result in me having a shit or trembling to a weak and unsatisfactory orgasm’.

Jesus. There are loads of examples of quality foreign language TV shows and films remade for Generation FX, all the worse for it — Tzameti 13, The Ring Trilogy, The Killing, Ugly fucking Betty for gods sake… The point is, would the big studios remake these films and shows if they weren’t superb? Unless the settings and the stories and the characters weren’t fascinating? Of course not. But they don’t think that you, the viewing public, can handle something that stretches you. Oh, and it’ll make them loads of money. It’s a bit like being sold chicken nuggets that turn out to be made from hideous pink toothpaste made from rectums and tendons.

Chicken Nugget Ooze

In summary, unless you have literacy issues there is no reason why you shouldn’t watch a film with subtitles. Yes it’s a faff, but trust me once you’ve sat through a couple you’ll get the hang of it and won’t even notice them. No I’m not claiming that ALL foreign language films are the badgers nadgers. Yes, some mainstream films are magnificent. BUT you are seriously selling yourself short if you limit yourself to big budget, big bangs wankfests starring people who all look the same saying the same things in various locations. Wankfests…. Hang on a minute… did I mention the tiddies? You get more tiddies in foreign films. Shit, I could have just put that in the first paragraph and saved myself a couple of hours…

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