With a single National Rail ticket occasionally costing around the same as eight JustEat deliveries or two brand new PS4 games, the lurid Megabus has been a staple friend for those needing to commute between two cities on the cheap. Unfortunately for the regular humble coach passenger, every other cheapskate and psycho has the exact same plan in order to save themselves the hefty price tag and often your journey will be made a thousand times worse by their general existence.
The majority of them are fairly harmless and are just going about their daily lives as though they’re hanging out in their living rooms. Some are downright rude and on occasion you’ll encounter the biggest creep of your life. Luckily we’ve made a checklist so you’ll know who to expect next time you’re travelling.
(We’re not talking about the kind of nuisance citizens that can be easily ignored by jamming your earphones back in and turning up Spotify, these nuisances have evolved far beyond that but we’re sure you’ll regrettably recognise at least a couple of them.)
Fasten your seat belts, if they even work.
The Crying Baby
Every time my nap is rudely interrupted by the blood curdling screech of a restless infant, I feel completely validated in my choice to never have kids. Don’t bother with the “you will change your mind one day” because it just ain’t gonna happen.
These wailing sprogs soon develop into bratty overlords and once their assigned parent has accidentally handed out one too many Fangtastics, these particularly annoying creatures will be manically running up and down the aisles as though we aren’t riding inside a tin can death trap. Saying that, if my greasy haired mother ever publicly shouted at me like that I wouldn’t be too keen on sitting down and strapping myself in next to her either.
If they’re not being let loose on unsuspecting passengers, then they’re rhythmically kicking at your seat for the entire five hours or grabbing at you from beside the arm rests.
Whether they’re on the phone or not using their indoor voices to their friends on row next to them, there is always at least one loudmouth twat per trip and they must be stopped.
Recently on a tempestuous five hour Megabus journey from London to Manchester I had to endure, a woman with the shrill voice of a diseased baby cuckoo accidentally grabbed my hair twice whilst she jostled her particularly large posterior into the seat behind me. This should’ve been an early warning to move elsewhere but due to my bags being awkwardly heavy and being situated in a prime exiting-the-bus-location, I had subconsciously chosen the path of overhearing decade long speaker phone conversations about nothing important that were only ever interrupted by irritatingly high pitched chirping sounds that was supposedly her “singing”. Despite me throwing her a cold blooded ‘I’m going to rip your head off’ scowl at every chance, she continued to disturb poor exhausted me and the entire populace of the coach.
For the first forty minutes of this horrible trek, I tried to think of how I would phrase my upcoming Kickstarter description to raise funds for this awful creature’s future car thus saving future passengers from being submitted to such ear splitting treachery.
Having a couple of tinnies at the back of the bus initially feels like a good way to pass the time, but when you’ve had one too many and start getting rowdy in an enclosed space where nobody can escape then it’s just appalling.
First comes the overly enthusiastic natter about knowing who your real friends are, which is rich coming from a berk who is travelling completely alone. Conspiracy theory babble shortly follows and those seated nearby who are desperately staring out the window with all their might in a bid to escape. The shameful performance quickly evolves into nonsensical yelling that’s interrupted by an impressive projectile vomit that leaves runny stinking sick all over your hands, face and shoes. Peace and quiet is finally restored after you lumber off to the already blocked toilet and shut yourself in.
Save it for the pub next time pal.
If your noisy sleep is known to wake others, you are inanely selfish and need to be stocking up on multipacks of Red Bull before you even think about stepping aboard another communal moving vehicle. That wonderful slumber that you evidently enjoy so much? You’re ruining that sweet, sweet snooze for everyone else.
We all know the the only way to make a journey go super speed when you’ve forgotten to charge your phone or left that book-you-keep-promising-yourself-to-read-but-have-only-managed-one-chapter-in-three-months at home is to close your eyes and nod off for a couple of hours (Xanax = Bonus). Time is money so if you’re stopping me from catching forty winks then get ready reimburse me for my journey, even if it was a couple of quid.
The Overly Eager Couple
Maybe it’s just because I’m an awfully cynical Brit or perhaps I wasn’t cuddled enough as a child but public displays of affection make me absolutely feel sick to my stomach. For some reason the exception is drawn at cute old couples holding hands, probably because it makes me feel like dying alone in my rented one bedroomed house surrounded by a dusty collection of beanie babies isn’t my only option.
Unfortunately a lot of couples don’t have the self control to wait a couple of hours until they’re as far away from me as possible before getting busy. Another Megabus journey of mine was made extremely uncomfortable when a pair of straddling Italian tourists spent the journey loudly snogging and groping each other for hours on end. Joining the mile high club is apparently an achievement but getting jiggy on a coach that stinks of piss is just tragic. If you’re going to be touching each other up like that at least do it away from the prying eyes of perverts, innocent civilians and children.
Speaking of kids, imagine growing up and then finding out you were conceived in the stinking shitter on a coach. That knowledge could destroy a person. I was conceived in Florida which is probably why I have such a sunny disposition.
The Not-So-Fine Diner
Although there’s apparently a rule that hot food isn’t to be taken on board, this doesn’t stop the average Megabus passenger from bringing their own cooled feasts of previously cooked smelly delicacies and cold snacks that stink equally as bad. Sitting in front of a guy munching on a reaking pulled pork sub and Twiglets and chomping at a hundred decibels isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time. The only thing worse is when it comes out the other end in gas form.
Foods that shouldn’t be allowed should spread to all forms of edibles that include tuna, garlic or questionable substances. This applies to all public transport. Once I had to change train carriages on the London underground as someone’s honking cornish pasty was making my mouth water in the worst way: it was flooding with the thick saliva you get when you’re trying to suppress a vom.
The Spacially Unaware
Or – rather – the spacially aware who just don’t care. Whoever you are, don’t touch me
Spending your day sitting in a garishly carpeted seat isn’t ideal but when your boundaries are breached then the hellish drive becomes way worse. Aside from the pesky grabby children and the old people who accidentally doze off on your shoulder, the worst culprits are the dickheads in front who recline their chairs until you’re nearly staring at their forehead followed by the gents who take up all the room by sitting with their legs as wide apart as humanly possible. Nobody’s balls are that big.
Sometimes the absolute last person you’d expect to be an idiot turns out to be a disappointment. When boarding a coach you knowingly put your trust into the hands of a stranger with a driving licence and a uniform and in the wrong circumstances this unknown human being can turn out to be a massive asshole.
The once and only time I’ve ever asked for a refund happened on the hottest day of Summer last year after the coach broke down and the angry buffoon that was taking us there wouldn’t allow us off the Megabus to go and get water or have a slash. The coach had no air conditioning and many of the other passengers were elderly people who were obviously feeling more than uncomfortable in the sweltering heat. It sucked. I hope he rots in hell.
A forty one year old horndog named Telly Shadell Corey was arrested for indecent exposure after pleasuring himself for three hours whilst travelling on the Megabus to Iowa. In the beginning he was just having a little fondle under his trackies but after catching the eye with a horrified female passenger he evolved his foldle into a full blown wank. Corey gave a truly absurd reason for fully getting his cock out, claiming that he thought she was enjoying it because she never said anything even though other passenger claimed the poor woman was absolutely terrified. Luckily officers apprehended him as soon as they arrived at their destination.
Bottom line: get the train.