Upon finding your sexual organs, and stumbling upon the beautiful recreational/pro-creational adventure that is sex, you will begin to establish that there are many ways in which to make love. You will also learn that there are a variety of ways to soundtrack your adventures.
I have compiled six of the most helpful for general humping. The main rule we must remember though kids is that there will never be a right way to shag – only preferred methods. The following tracks should help you through some common moments during touchy time that we all can relate to.
So, remove your clothes, grab a friend, try them out and get that Oscar-worthy orgasm you deserve:
1. Floetry – Getting Late
I’d recommend playing this soon after inviting your victim into your pleasure dome. They will now have a window of roughly 30 seconds during the intro in which to realise what’s about to go down and consider escaping their impending situation. Don’t worry; those worth fucking will utilise this time to remove their clothes.
Closing the bedroom door in on a situation in which you hope the outcome will feature unusual noises and stiffened limbs can be a daunting one. But you’ve got quite far already, something is certain to happen at this point (even if it’s the sound of the front door shutting whilst you’re in the bathroom checking your breath).
They haven’t left? Congratulations and welcome to the home of awkward conversations, heartbeats thumping to the tune of anxiety and dual expectation. Breathe. You can do this. You totally can. You know you can. Look at the clock. One hand may be on nine but maybe (just maybe) there might be another on your thigh.
Tip: If you can’t handle the tense pre-sex banter, memorise the lyrics and sing along…
You: “It’s getting lateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
Victim: …oh, yeah, I should head home I guess
You: “Why you gotta be hereeeeee?!”
Victim: …you invited m-
You: “BESIDEEEEEEE MEEE”
You: “WATCHING – NEEDING – WANTING… ME”
Victim: “I’m afraid.”
You: “don’t be.”
Victim: [prolonged silence]