Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #80

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:



One time in school when I was 13 I was day dreaming about the girl I fancied during RE. All of a sudden I hear a voice (my teacher) say “I want you all to imagine what heaven feels like, and give me one word to describe it”. In my trance-like state I blurted out “Annabelle” (name of the girl I was daydreaming about). Room full of 13 year olds all turned and laughed at me, and took the piss for years. Still makes me cringe.



I never shave my beard because my double chin makes me look 20kg heavier than I already do



I’m supposed to meet up with an old friend today. We met when we were around 15 years old and both really goth. He used to have the biggest crush on me and honestly, for a while i liked him as well. We never hooked up tho. Fast forward 6 years and we both went in different directions. He got his whole goth look cleaned up and actually joined a political party. The shit he posts on Facebook annoys me so bad i almost want to break all of his fingers. Me on the other hand went into a weird anime-hiphop fusion. I smoke weed whenever i can i really enjoy my own company. He’s still hoping he can hook up with me, but honestly I’m just using him for free food. I’m secretly hoping the plans fall through and i can get high and watch some animes all day long. guess I’m a shittier person than he is



Last night I heard my girlfriend take a really rank shit. It was horrible, and no matter how hard I try I just can not un-hear it



Met a Camgirl in a porn site chat room, paid her £20 and watched the show, only lasted maybe 10 minutes. Afterward as she was basically trawling for work we chatted for about 3 hours, she lived in NYC and we discussed every aspect of our lives, and at the time I thought we connected (we definitely didn’t) but she was genuinely cool as fuck and seemed interested in what I had to say.

At the end of 3 hours of meaningful chat got her to do another show telling her I’d sent another £20, she did, I didn’t. Blocked her so she’d never contact me again. Genuinely wonder whether I pied the girls of my dreams for a cheap wank…



I like to start snapchat stories of people I don’t like and not finish them. Hopefully it hurts their feelings



The guy I’ve been dating, who was telling me he was so keen and into me, dumped me yesterday. By text. With an excuse so lame I can’t even type it. Since I split with my last ex (18 months ago now) I’ve had a string of failures or guys just too nice who I’m never interested in. It’s getting really, really tiresome. Honestly thinking that at the grand old age of 29 I’m gonna be single forever now. Facebook just rubs salt in the wounds, every time I log on someone else is pregnant/engaged/married/showing off their happy relationship, kids or latest life successes. I’ve unfollowed so many people I may as well delete it, it’s just full of cat memes and weird art. Such is life.



The laundry basket in my bathroom sits right next to my toilet and for some reason I keep pulling up the wrong lid, and chuck my dirty washing into the toilet instead of the basket.


Phone pig

I’ve recently graduated and got myself a job in telesales (I’m one of them bellends who rings you up). Whenever someone is a dick on the phone I take note of their number name and address and put that info everywhere I can find. So next time you get a call of someone like myself, just politely ask us to take you off the system.



Sometimes I get really stoned and convince myself the lottery numbers running through my head are 100% the winning numbers for that day or week. I even quietly promise to god that I won’t tell anyone about our supernatural connection when I win. I play my numbers online and of course just end up wasting money. I’ve been stuck in this cycle for 6 years and the most I’ve ever won is a tenner.



Got gay with one of my best mates, haven’t openly talked about it, we both said we can’t remember the night but I’m pretty sure we can, it was weird and he’s got a girlfriend



I let my girlfriend wax my chest recently and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life. Now she thinks I’m a total pussy

Sea of clouds


I hadn’t had sex since January 2014, broke the streak on Tuesday after over 2 1/2 years. This is to all the guys out there going through dry streaks like I was – there is light at the end of the tunnel!



I’m lactose intolerant but sometimes I’ll eat a fuck tonne of ice cream just so I can let rip and smell my own farts all day



I once kicked the shit out of a girl when I was 14. I actually quite liked her but she kept bullying me in that way hot girls do about my acne, and so one day I snapped and threw a basketball with some force into her face. As she was stunned I took a run up and fly-kicked her hard in the chest. She went flying into this gym frame and everyone gasped in horror. Needless to say I was expelled, sent to counselling, the lot. I do regret it but at the same time I’m not mad at my 14 year old self for doing it.



I loathe people who brush their teeth in the office



I chatted up a 4/10 the other night because she was eating pizza in the street. Managed to get a slice.



For years I never shampooed my arse hair because I thought shampoo promoted the growth of arse hair. No idea where I got that from but I was sure it was true

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.



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