Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #75

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from last week:



I occassionally Instagram my meals (sue me) but only show half my food so ppl don’t judge how much I eat




I masturbate way too much to girls I’m friends with on Facebook


Gats T

When I was 13, me and my mate promised that we’d always get drunk together on our birthdays. When we were 16 he was diagnosed with cancer. By the time we were 17 he was gone. This month is his birthday, and I’ll be drinking with him just like every year. It just sucks that it has to be next to a grave. Miss that fucker



Haemorrhoids are ruining my life



Sometimes I wonder how productive I would be if I didn’t smoke weed. Never going to happen, but it’s worth thinking about



Last month my friend met a girl in LA at a pool party, and banged her the same night. She’s from there and has a 7-year-old daughter. Fast forward to today – the girl is MOVING to London with her daughter to move in with my friend in his 1 bedroom flat. She doesn’t have a job so he will be supporting himself, a girl he met in LA 1 month ago and her 7-year-old daughter. When I asked where they’re going to sleep he said they can take his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch. I’ve told him how much of a fucking mug he is but maybe if you guys post it on your site he’ll start to see sense. P.S. She’s butters


I’m in south east Asia travelling and 2 days ago I smoked crystal meth. It’s shit but I kinda want more



After 5 years of manually adding my signature, job title/company, phone number etc to 20+ work e-mails I send every day, I found out that can automatically add all that information in settings. FML


I’m sorry Sarah

I got really into ket and stopped talking to my girlfriend so she dumped me and now I sit around huffing bongs and waiting for celebrity big brother to start



I always need the volume on my TV to be an even number or I get anxiety



Went for a happy ending massage and got a trainee girl who didn’t have a clue how to give a proper massage. With 5 minutes to go the madam came in to teach her how to “finish” the massage properly. So for those last 5 mins I had 4 hands down there playing with my cock. Really made up for those previous 55 minutes



I find it impossible to drive with flip flops on



I have just given birth recently by way of caesarian and I believe I made the worst fucking choice as the weeks after that I was so constipated that is takes me 45 minutes to push out stool from my asshole. I would be clutching the edge of the toilet, making the “poop” face while trying to “birth” the stool. There is also blood and some tearing involved and the whole experience is pretty similiar to a natural birth. Ladies, you have been warned!



My biggest fantasy is to go down on a girl after she’s just shagged someone else and clean it up

2 people celebrating


I went on a first date with a dude I met online on a work night. We drunk quite a bit… Then he asked if I did coke – we ended up doing two grams and had mad sex until 7am when we both had to go to work.



On holiday in Thailand and my mate decides to ring his mum and tell her that were in hospital with broken bones and then we went to sleep. Woke up to a call from the foreign office asking if I was alive and my family hadn’t slept all night and were ringing hospitals to see if we were there. Completely not my fault but still feel like a cunt



Every Friday I look forward to my girlfriend passing out so I can get some Call of Duty in



My wife hasn’t ridden me reverse cowgirl since our honeymoon last year.





I had big time diarrhoea that sounded funny when I was in the toilet the other day. As I was stuck on the shitter for a while I thought it would be great if I recorded my diarrhoea fart sounds on my phone. I put the phone slightly behind my arse and let rip, and ended up shitting all over my phone. Couldn’t stop laughing.



Have you ever been wanking and then get a text from like your mum and lose your boner?



One of the most depressing things in life is spending 2 weeks on the beach drinking, eating, tanning and sleeping then having to go back home and go to work for another year. FML.

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.


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