If your Great Grandfather could see you now, he’d be proud and ashamed in equal measures.
He disagrees with the principles of Call of Duty, but at least you are owning everyone else.
The unified communications system you have implemented at work is undoubtedly impressive, however it doesn’t make for quite such a compelling story as that time your great pap fought a bear armed only with a strong puritan work ethic and a particularly well-starched collar.
Actually, come to think of it, the shame probably handily outweighs the pride. He’s unlikely to wonder what he ever did without these technological, uh, ‘marvels’… good luck explaining to him what you’re doing with your life, should you ever perfect that time machine!
You’re So Vain; You Probably Think This Blog Is About You
In the future, you will strive to create the most amazing images possible, you will then try your hardest to degrade theses images and make them look crappy and old again. The software that achieves this will be worth $1 Billion.
I am of course referring to Instagram, the software that proves we all love a bit of artificially replicated analogue noise. We all love distortion so much; I’m surprised there’s such a fuss over cataracts.
Receiving Loud And Clear
In the future, you will receive correspondence that alludes to the fact that you are having problems reproducing due to a personal medical issue. You will have a folder especially for these messages and it will be named after low quality canned meat.
My eyes have a built-in internet filter now that can instantly distinguish a spam email subject line faster that my natural reflex reaction to click delete.
Many Practical Applications
In the future, instead of spending time with our loved ones, we shall be obsessively engaged in a game, key objective of which is to facilitate the demolition of a structure by calculating the trajectory that an animal takes when fired from a primitive siege device and its force upon spots of weakness in said structure. The primary characteristic of these animals, birds, will be that they are angry.
Angry Birds, a game so fiendishly addictive you would deliberately ‘miss’ your bus just to complete…that…one…damn…level!
It’s Nice That You Keep In Touch
In the future, when you do something, you will let a large network of people know that you have done it, almost immediately after doing it. If people were doing it with you, they, as well as the network will be notified, even if they are standing next to you. They will then have the option to show their appreciation with a small ‘thumbs up’ representative graphic, but have mostly been rendered unwilling or completely unable to offer any further evidence of their emotion. Complex emotions have largely been eradicated.
If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? This amateur (and terrible) philosopher says “No”.
By the same token, if you haven’t tagged yourself doing something cool on Facebook, you are by default, not doing anything cool. You are not cool.
If you are not cool, you are at risk. Of things.
Quickly, get on Facebook!
You are safe now. Look, that weird guy from your old job liked it, good old Mike, he’ll like anything. I might like one of his statuses one day.
I won’t, but the thought was a nice gesture.
OH THE HUMANITY!
In the future, there will be simulations of atrocities of war and terrorist acts. You will invite your loved ones to participate in these simulations and shall rejoice in the sight of their dismembered bodies. You will do this for fun. You will do this for long periods despite the physiological need for sleep. You will do this all whilst wearing just pants.
Will you accept the challenge?
Of course you will, as soon as you finish your dinner and put some socks on. You couldn’t possibly exact bloody revenge with cold toes.
I’m sorry Great Grandfather, things have changed around here. One can only hope that there is some glimmer of goodness in the new generation of online users.
Sorry, I have to go; my kill to death ratio is deteriorating rapidly, someone just liked my Facebook status about biscuits, and a thirteen year old implied that my mother was neither of unstain’d character, nor of reasonable girth.
We’ll catch up though! Follow me on twitter!
Oh, you don’t know what twitter is?
Let me explain…
James Duval is a tech blogger who writes for Intercall Europe about communications in the 21st century, from ways of staying on top of your business with systems such as Lync 2010 and remote desktop viewers, to how technology has changed the way we spend our leisure time.