Everyone has heard the conspiracy theories about the CIA testing mind control on unsuspecting civilians, or seen the old B-Movies where aliens enslave the planet using telepathic powers – it’s all science fiction right? Wrong! Mind control has been going on for millions of years on this planet. Your brain might be being controlled right now, and you wouldn’t know jack about it.
â˜› Check This Out Next: Knife Wielding Man Tasered Outside Buckingham Palace
Scientists in the USA and Ireland (yes, they have scientists in Ireland) have discovered a species of bacteria that could be lurking in your gut right now, sending signals to your brain. They think these bacteria have an effect on your serotonin levels. Those with the bug have lower levels, which could explain why you spend your evenings smashing grams of MDMA into your face, or you could just be a raging mess of a human-being. Humans get it easy though. Whilst we happily live with germs that would turn any normal person into a coked out Bear Grylls prodigy, there’s a fungus that inhabits the insect kingdom that uses it’s powers of persuasion to far more terrifyingly disgusting effect – meet Ophiocordyceps unilateralis.
When Ophiocordyceps unilateralis spores find their way into an unsuspecting ant, they slowly act out a series of horrifying acts that would make Ted Bundy look like the Easter Bunny at Disneyland. They silently make their way to the ant’s brain, taking full control of the poor little bastard and making it climb the nearest plant stem. Once at the top, the fungus causes the ant to clamp down with it’s pincers into a leaf, then slowly devours it’s squishy innards. The sickomthen starts to sprout out of the ant, attaching itself firmly to the leaf. In a final act of violence, the evil bug explodes out of the ant’s head and starts to spew it’s vile spores over any other victims that may happen to be happily running around underneath. Nature, you one sick son-of-a-bitch.
â˜› Read Next: UK Citizenship Entry Exam — Unfair? Yes.
Then there’s Toxoplasma gondii, a parasite that lives mainly in mice and other rodents. This snide little bastard has a problem: it needs to find it’s way into a cat to reproduce. How does it achieve this? That’s right, mind control! The parasite goes all Derren Brown on it’s host and brain washes it into believing that cats are its friend. This mouse now bloody loves cats. It loves cats so much it wants to start a Facebook fan page about it. This mouse has no chance, poor guy. He inevitably gets eaten and new evil Derren Brown parasites get pooped out the next time Moggy takes a shit in your garden. Nature, you sick (hilarious) son-of-a-bitch.
â˜› Watch Next: The Swift Mental Decline Of A Televangelist
So watch out kids, little critters are taking over our brains. Could be one making you read this right now. I for one welcome our new parasitic overlords. Here’s a BBC documentary explaining everything I’ve just said a little bit more coherently.