All of us need a beer now and then, right? That shimmering amber liquid cruising down the roads of your throat like a classy Jag makes life that much more bearable when you’ve had a shitty day/hour/decade and is more refreshing than jumping in a massive swimming pool full of Fanta Lemon. Beer is also a better chirpsing aid than Fanta Lemon as some girls don’t seem as ugly after a few pints and you can talk as much bollocks as you want to try to get into their hole. Fanta Lemon, as a chirpsing aid, isn’t that good because some girls are still ugly and you just look like a little kid holding a bottle of pop that your mother’s bought for you in an attempt to make you to shut the fvck up.
It’s a pretty grim feeling when you’re dying for a beer and you open the fridge and — voilÃ ! — all that looks back at you is a block of cheese and an out of date Rustlers burger. You’re skint as fvck as well from the weekend’s antics so you can’t even buy a few cans so you think about going round to one of your boyz’, hoping he’ll offer you a beautiful can, but you don’t go because he ended up shagging that bird you were chatting up for ages on Saturday. And you can’t handle him bragging about it right now. You’d rather smell your own farts in the bath.
But, there’s something else you can do, if you’re desperate for a beer, other than to go round your mates’. Get married. Yep, that’s all it is. Just get married and enter the North American Wife Carrying Championship. Easy. You should get married and enter because the winners receive the woman’s weight in beer and five times her weight in lovely, crispy cash. Make sure your wife is fat as fvck, though, and that you’ve been on the roids for a while because the fatter she is, the more beer you’ll have, and the longer you’ve been on the roids, the more it’ll feel like carrying something like a leaf, rather than a fatty. The course includes hurdles, sand traps and a water hole so make sure your roids are always legit.
The winners on Saturday’s (October 6th) event were a Finnish couple, whose names I can’t pronounce but can definitely type: Taisto Miettenen and Kristina Haapanen. They finished in 52.58 seconds and really stupidly shared their beer winnings with the couples who finished second and third. What’s the point of trying to win if you’re gonna share your prize? Idiots. If I won, no fucker would even have a lick of my beer. It’d be thirsty work.
Check out the video, and look out for the 17-second mark. Some guy obviously hadn’t had his Weetabix/roids.