So West Ham United have signed Manc twat Ravel Morrison for a reported fee of sixfiftylarge.

Sounds like a bargain for a guy who has been touted as the best thing to emerge from the Old Trafford academy since Paul Scholes.

Before I go any further I should probably honour my allegiances and make it clear to you all that I am a Liverpool fan who grew up near Ipswich. As such I have a deep and passionate hatred (like actual hatred) for any types of mancs and anything to do with pseudo-cockney shit-eating sixth-placed wankers West Ham. Fvck Off Ray Winston.

Scene set.

It turns out Alex Ferguson has lost patience with this foul mouthed spastic and decided that the next Paul Scholes should ply his trade outside of the Theatre Of Dreams (lol).

In a move that has instantly paid off, West Ham have decided to take the guy on, presumably because they’re well shit and have to take massive risks on dickheads with proven records of being indefensible pricks. Julian Dicks, Lee Bowyer, Paolo Di Canio to name just three. To be fair two of those three paid off but whatever. David Gold is pretty insidious as well. Imagine if Richard Branson had a baby with Gollum.

Anyway, this nasty little bastard has made some pretty epic comments on tweetbook. Check this shit out, I think he was provoked or something. I dunno.

“Crack head? Go suck out u little faggot your a guy that talks if u see me you try slap me I’m in manchester every week.”

Let’s break this grammatical masterpiece down:

“Go suck out.” Good work. Actually never heard that one before.
“u” — Ingenious abbreviation expertly employed.
“little faggot” — Very appropriate language for a professional athlete.
“your” — Incorrect.
“a guy that talks” — ZING!!!!!!
“if u see me you try slap me” — If only motherfucker.
“I’m in manchester every week” — I’m not. Thank Jesus.

Interestingly, this charming young man has appeared on a professional level a grand total of three times. In the Carling Cup. English football’s most coveted prize.

He hasn’t played a single minute of football for West Ham yet and seems to be in a fair amount of hot water with the F.A. West Ham, in contrast to Kenny Dalglish’s recent errors of judgment, have understandably agreed to assist the F.A. in any kind of investigation into this odious little turdburglar’s misguided outbursts.

£650,000 well spent.