Weddings – Please Leave Me Alone

I don’t like weddings, and this is why. Bring on the divorces, that’s what I want to see please.

My brother is getting married in around 60 hours. I’m happy for him, I truly am. To find a woman that will put up with you for at least the foreseeable future is a triumph worthy of celebration. I would celebrate for 30 days if a female tolerated me and my stench for anything over sixty seconds. Big win.

But I suppose maybe I’m a negative kind of a guy; A moody, intolerant, naysayer of a retard. To me it seems a little like they are gloating. Yes, you’re happy, good, I’m glad, but please, I am unhappy, why should I smile for a whole day on your behalf? I don’t mean just my brother’s marriage specifically, but all the people getting married everywhere, ever.

Maybe it’s just me, but all I hear when another wedding invite farts through my letter box (I got two this week) is, “Hello there, we are happy and settled in our lives. You are not. And because of that we are going to get you to travel half way up the country and buy us shit, just to rub the fact that you are a useless and lonely plum, directly into your sensitive, bong resin eyes”. It’s like a criminal on death row in Texas being shown the line up for next years Lollapalooza – never gonna make it. Mean indeed.

Added to this hail storm of nails, in my case, they have also said the following: “Because you are so wrapped up in your own filth, we are singling you out for extra punishment – you’re going to be the best man. You can’t turn it down because that’s not how this societal pressure stuff works. You have to spend time you don’t have thinking of a special speech that will make all of the audience laugh at least eight times in five minutes while dressed as a pillock.  The audience will be aged from 0-100 and from various religious, ethnic and socioeconomic groups. And you should thank me for the honour. Good luck with that, maybe you will be happy one day, but not until you’ve dealt with all of this horror. Oh yeah, and if you lose the rings the bride will stab you up with a hat pin”.

On a positive note, the Guardian wrote this about marriage in the UK in 2008: “A smaller percentage of people got married in 2008 than in any year since records began” – GOOD.

Also I quite enjoyed the following infographic… I’m glad my brother isn’t Maldivian:

Apparently the standard explanation for Maldives’ leviathan divorce rate lies in their traditional fishing culture. Men would simply bugger off to another of the 1,192 beautiful coral islands in search of a better catch, leaving behind their ladies and screaming children to have another bash at it. A Maldeves inhabitant was quoted as saying “In many Muslim countries if a girl isn’t a virgin before marriage that’s it. Here if a girl is a virgin a guy will think twice”. I’ve always fancied a trip to the Maldives… any one in?


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