I’d never heard of a pine marten before coming across this absolute boss and the chances are that you’ve probably never heard of them either. So, here’s a bit of info to get things rolling: a pine marten is a weasel-like creature (so, technically, I lied when writing the title of this article) and they belong to the mustelid family, which includes other cool animals like minks, otters, badgers and weasels etc and they’re about the size of a domestic cat – as you can see in the picture above – which means that Sick Chirpse has probably found its new favourite animal. They usually live in well-wooded areas and are most active at dusk or night. They eat birds, berries and even squirrels so they’re not fussy like your mate’s annoying missus. It’s not often you get a science lesson with us so you’d better make the most of that one because it probably won’t happen for a good while. Now onto the good stuff…
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Now that you know what a pine marten is and have done enough Google searches of the dudes and have shown some girls pictures of them so you can ease into your chirpse, let me tell you about something that went on at a Swiss football match on the weekend. There was a game going on between FC Thun and Zurich. Yeah, I know. Who the hell are FC Thun, right?! Everyone knows who Zurich are because they weren’t a bad team on FIFA 2000 and they had this centre-back who was awesome and fast as fuck and the only way you could get past him was if you were in control of a team like Barcelona, Real Madrid or Bayern Munich etc as they had faster strikers, but if you were in control of a bad team then you basically had no chance of getting past him. I can’t remember his name and that makes it seem as if I’m lying but I’m not and I’ll update you all if the name comes back to me. So, yeah, that’s how everyone knows who Zurich are but FC Thun?! What? Who? They sound like a really poor joke team named after some obtuse Greek God or the character in a sci-fi novel or a Viking or gladiator film or something. The name is disgusting. They’re third from bottom of the league, too, so first-instinct is right this time. The team is shit.
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Thun and Zurich were battling it out on the pitch – and by battling I mean that Thun were getting destroyed as Zurich won 4-0 – when suddenly a pine marten smashed his way onto the pitch and invaded the match. The players don’t really know what to do so a lot of them just stand there, open-mouthed, and watch the marten run around in case it runs over their feet and dirties their boots or whatever until one of the players has enough and chases after the marten. The marten runs like fuck and eventually gets caught, but it’s an angry dude and bites the player (Loris Benito) on the hand who takes it like a champ at first but then realises he’s probably caught rabies and has to go off. The marten escapes, though, again, and is eventually caught by the Zurich keeper – Davide Da Costa – who should have manned-up and caught it in the first place as the marten had no way through his gloves.
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Martens are awesome, check it out: