Is There Anything Better Than Twilight Being Over?



kristen stewart

Seeing as someone as uncharismatic as Mitt Romney was able to raise $881 million, it seems less surprising that the Twilight saga has managed to raise $4.7 billion dollars. The public clearly cannot be trusted.This November, Kristen Stewart and her slapped ass of a face will mope across the screen for the last time. Leaving a depressingly indelible print on all of us, haunting in the same sense as being felt up by an uncle rather than actually being scary. Given that the trailers have failed in breaking form, we can expect Breaking Dawn (sorry, part 2) to be pretty much exactly the same. Check the trailer below for an idea of what you can expect (SPOILER: it’s going to be the same as every other Twilight movie): 

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Which thankfully means more of the same painful silences, ‘meaningful’ stares and running through woods chased by really awkward flying CGI animals. Like this one.

Wrestiling lion

So this time, Bella and angry faced lover-now-husband Edward have pissed everyone off by spawning. Not because they’d likely create the most miserable children in the world and be taken into immediate care due to their rubbish lifestyle choices, but because this is against the codes of vampire (or something.)

Because of this, i think, or likely completely unrelated given the ridiculous series of events that follow in each book, “The voltori are coming.” Who from the trailer appear to be a conga line of the klu klux klan, going for a black Autumn/Winter vibe. Edward wants to let everyone know the truth and hopefully the volturi won’t engage in genocide upon them,this only cementing the fact he is a complete dumbass.

We also see proclaimed the words ‘the epic finale, that will live forever’ and the thought that this ongoing joke will live any longer than the moment the final credits roll is actually scary. I don’t know what’s more unbelievable, that they managed to split this into two films or that this isn’t the same film as the last one.

The volturi

I’ll certainly be grievously offending every 14 year old Twihard with my misconceived and incorrect version of the plot but seeing as I won’t be going to see it to be proved wrong, I dont care, and neither should you. The books, product of possible nutcase Mormon Stephanie Meyer with its fanatical sub lines and really really subtle virginity ‘girl gets bitten’ metaphors were bad enough. But come on, enough now. Please can this one (like hopefully Bella, Edward et al) be left to die?

Like the epic fail of Mitt Romneys would-be political career, if we’ve learnt one thing this year, it’s take what Mormons say with a pinch of salt.

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