Here at Sick Chirpse HQ we’ve been keeping a close eye on Fifty Shades of Grey developments, and I don’t know about you, but I’m still hearing and reading dried up old frumps bang on about this shitty book…and possible fvcking film. It’s like everyday; online, in the streets, on TV; it just won’t go away and die. But we’re doing our best to help the haters here at Sick Chirpse, and hopefully we can contribute to burying this book once and for all.

A few weeks ago we brought you Fifty Shades of Shit, soon after that we introduced the Fifty Shades of Andy Gray Twitter, but today we have something a little more fun and user-friendly. Allow me to introduce you to the Fifty Shades Generator, a website that describes itself as a ‘breakthrough in erotic fiction’, and that ‘at the click of a button, it generates world-class literature based on a pre-defined vocabulary.’ Who could disagree with that when the first thing you read on the site is –

‘Within no time, I could feel the shitty baby gravy sliming from my mavis fritter and all over my spam castanets. He arced a giant stink pickle on my cans just so he could chow down on it like a bulldog eating porridge. After having my birth cannon pounded, he then proceeded to hammer my mavis fritter. Inserting a foot-long fudge bullet into my cod canyon got me pouring minge monsoon faster than snot off a whip. The thrusting makes me eject my fallopian fish stock all over his gristle missile.’