The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I’ve been on a real mission to ‘make female friends to meet other females’ lately, taking someone’s advice. So far all it’s done is prevent both myself and said females from getting laid
I’m mid-way through season 5 of Breaking Bad and I’m just now realising that Walter White and the dad from Malcolm In The Middle are the same person
Every bad decision I’ve ever made is because of alcohol and/or my dick, yet I can’t stop listening to them
I snapshotted the KFC recipe from your site, put 3tsp salt in opposed to 1/3tsp and voila. It’s legit. Put the Chicken in milk & double coat in the flour, deep fry @ 170C for 9 min. Leng.
A few years ago had a really bad hangover. Went to wank off and soon as I finished I got this banging headache, really felt like something was seriously wrong. Lasted 10 minutes then was better. For the next week or so every time I tried wanking, same thing – intense pulsing headache. I was terrified, thought my dick to brain connection was somehow ruined and I’d never be able to cum again without getting a headache. I literally abstained from wanking for 2-3 weeks and tried to reset my dick/brain connection. I’m completely back to normal now and never told anyone until now, still not sure what the fuck that was about though.
My favourite thing to search for on porn sites these days is ‘twerk fuck’
I wish my boyfriend was fitter
I think I have a nose fetish. It’s nothing extreme but basically my attraction to a girl depends on her nose, no matter how nice the rest of her is or how attractive others find her. If I don’t like the nose – it’s not happening. No idea why, I fucking hate it
My neck hair grows faster than the hair on my head and it’s driving me insane
Spent a week on the beach this summer with some reflective shades which meant I could perv as much as I wanted without anyone realising. This one girl in a purplee bikini had a massive dumper and tramp stamp tattoo that was making me crazy in the heat. Anyway I overheard her talking to her mum about her upcoming year in sixth form… Felt guilty but still imagined unloading on that tramp stamp for the rest of the day
I have been with my girlfriend nearly 5 years and I have only had one proper blowjob. She always wants to turn it into sex, which is good, but even just once some head without having to give back would be awesome.
I’m only 25 and already really proud of my garden
Whenever I’m crossing the street and a car slows down for me I always make sure to jog fast enough so that the car doesn’t have to stop/slow down too much, because I know how annoying it is when people take their time crossing the street. I like to think the driver really appreciates it but chances are they don’t even notice
Lately when I wank I just jizz on my shirt and throw it in the wash if I don’t have any tissues handy. I’m 27.
I went on the most fucked up Tinder date ever recently. The girl showed up limping on a crutch and said she’d tripped down that morning. Bit awkward but OK, whatever. We didn’t really hit it off on our date and when it came time to go our separate ways we kiss on the cheek and she says “see you never”. She then put her crutch aside and just started walking off normally, no limp or anything. I stood there for 20 seconds wondering WTF just happened. Think I was on one of those YouTube ‘social experiments’, it’s the only explanation.
Used my girlfriend’s razor to shave my pubes the other day. Little did I know her razor has these edges that produce soap as you shave – total game changer. Absolutely the smoothest shave of my life.
I’m in love with a man old enough to be my dad
I extended my overdraft by £500 and spent it all in one weekend on coke
I work at a supermarket on weekends and every time a female customer buys a cucumber, I imagine them using it as a dildo. The majority of these women are particularly grim, but you do get the odd worldy. Passes the time anyway..
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.