The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Every Friday for two years I would go to Nandos for lunch. I had a Nandos card and a Nandos stamper I bought on eBay from a cheeky ex-employee (this is before they went electronic). So I would just hand in a fully completed card each time, eat my free meal, and then do the same next week. Pretty sweet deal. Well inevitably one day the manager came out of nowhere while I was ordering my food and he says he wondered why there was the same free meal being rung up every Friday at the same time. He didn’t believe my story that I eat Nandos every day of the week and only go to his branch for the free meal on Fridays. The guy lost the plot on me, grabbed my Nandos card and ripped it up, told me I was a thief and owed him thousands of pounds for free Nandos I’d eaten over the years. It wasn’t easy taking him seriously because his flies were undone but the fact is he had me rumbled. He called the police and they visited me at my house but in the end I was just banned from Nando’s as they couldn’t prove I hadn’t earned the stamps every week. Shortly after that they did away with the stamps altogether – sometimes I think it was all because of me.
I was wearing my Ainsley Harriott tshirt at Junction 2 and every 5 minute some cunt would be like eyyy Ainsley eyyy. Fuck Ainsley Harriott.
went to a friends house party, ended up fucking a girl in the friends parents bed, didn’t have a condom so pulled out and nutted on the sheets. friend wasn’t able to change said sheets because otherwise parents would know he had had a party , long story short, his parents slept on sheets covered in my dried up spunk.
Whenever I go to a wedding, my go-to line for any single girl there is “hasn’t anyone ever told you you’re not supposed to show up the bride on her wedding day”. Works every time
I sometimes dig holes for a living, and the only thing that gets me through it is the hope of discovering some ancient artefact that’s worth millions. Well, that and the joint I smoke before work every day
Last summer me and a girl who I occasionally have sex with (Let’s call her ‘A’) found ourselves at the end of a heavy night out with nowhere to “sleep” – So being the intoxicated genius that I so often am I came up with the genius plan of taking her to the nearby home of another girl who I occasionally have sex with ( We’ll call her ‘B’) – After banging on the door for about half an hour we came to the conclusion that she wasn’t home, but undeterred by this minor setback we decided to head round to the back of the property and smash a window to get inside – Well, it turns out ‘B’ was home and was unsurprisingly quite pissed off to find me and ‘A’ breaking into her house at four in the morning – Eventually she did calm down though, and she ended up letting us get into bed with her – Now being the horny drunken idiot that I was/am this meant guaranteed threesome to me and I started touching them both up under the covers – It took about 30 seconds for ‘B’ to say “fuck this” and she quickly stormed out of the bed and went next door to sleep on the sofa leaving me and ‘A’ in her bed to fuck – So essentially yes, I broke into a girls house and fucked another girl in her bed while she slept on the sofa next door and cried – Fun fact: Neither have them have slept with me again since that night.
This doesn’t happen when I’m with a girl but when I’m alone and I start to think ‘hmm do I fancy a quick tug’ I start gettin horny and ALWAYS sneeze twice. Pretty fucking annoying but I know if I don’t sneeze, I’m probs good to wait a while…
Took an important business phone call at home, desperately needed a wee about 10minutes in, and not the type of call you can just ask to ring back in 5. Relieved myself in the sink while on the phone to my potential new boss so they wouldn’t hear the echo of my piss hitting the toilet water. I’m a chick.
I can never plug in a USB stick on the first try
In the week since I broke up with my GF, I’ve been thrown out and banned from a club, pissed myself on the way home and had a wank while taking a shit in the toilets at Burger King. Safe to say I’m not taking it very well
I drive uber in my spare time and have different radio stations set for each “type” of customer I pick up. I’m on a 5 star rating
My boyfriend cums in complete silence and then says ‘thanks babe’ before jumping onto his Xbox, leaving me to wank myself off in bed because he always finishes first and can’t go again until he’s ‘had a meal’. This isn’t healthy is it?
I took a girl back to my room at uni a few months ago and despite her saying she’d only smoked weed once before I rolled a fat zoot of super skunk and we smoked it together. Well she went quiet and before I knew it she had turned green and tells me she feels like she’s going to have a heart attack. I tried to reassure her she was only pulling a whitey but her heart was pounding and she was asking me to call an ambulance. In the end I calmed her down by spoonfeeding her sugar and giving her water while she sat on the toilet. Then we fell asleep without having sex and I woke up in time to see her leaving my room in the morning. Note to self – have sex first next time.
I don’t like people
We have a large IT department where I work ran by Indians (fresh from India). The other day I went into the break room and they were all in there trying on each other’s shoes and giggling like children. Wish I was that easily amused
I went on a getaway weekend to this spa with the girlfriend, about 2 hours from where I live. At the swimming pool on the first night, I walk in and see my former male co-worker kissing another dude in the corner of the pool. Normally I wouldn’t give a shit, but this guy was always showing off about how much pussy he got and how he’s in his 40s and in better shape than the rest of us. He also made several homophobic remarks while I worked there and made fun of a gay guy (behind his back) who worked with us. Anyway after kissing his boyfriend he saw me watching and looked mortified. He came over and said he had had an acting audition coming up and he was just practicing with his co-star. He ended up offering to pay for our spa stay but I said it was fine, we already paid. Monday comes and I told absolutely everyone in the office about it. Fuck that guy.
A few years back I was on a major dry spell and had brought back a girl from work to mine after we got hammered drunk. I go to eat her out and feel my tongue brush against a tampon which she forgot was in there. I pulled it out and fucked her anyway, not ashamed.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.