Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #65

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:



I was wearing my Ainsley Harriott tshirt at Junction 2 and every 5 minute some cunt would be like eyyy Ainsley eyyy. Fuck Ainsley Harriott.


That Prick

Last summer me and a girl who I occasionally have sex with (Let’s call her ‘A’) found ourselves at the end of a heavy night out with nowhere to “sleep” – So being the intoxicated genius that I so often am I came up with the genius plan of taking her to the nearby home of another girl who I occasionally have sex with ( We’ll call her ‘B’) – After banging on the door for about half an hour we came to the conclusion that she wasn’t home, but undeterred by this minor setback we decided to head round to the back of the property and smash a window to get inside – Well, it turns out ‘B’ was home and was unsurprisingly quite pissed off to find me and ‘A’ breaking into her house at four in the morning – Eventually she did calm down though, and she ended up letting us get into bed with her – Now being the horny drunken idiot that I was/am this meant guaranteed threesome to me and I started touching them both up under the covers –  It took about 30 seconds for ‘B’ to say “fuck this”  and she quickly stormed out of the bed and went next door to sleep on the sofa leaving me and ‘A’ in her bed to fuck – So essentially yes, I broke into a girls house and fucked another girl in her bed while she slept on the sofa next door and cried – Fun fact: Neither have them have slept with me again since that night.



This doesn’t happen when I’m with a girl but when I’m alone and I start to think ‘hmm do I fancy a quick tug’ I start gettin horny and ALWAYS sneeze twice. Pretty fucking annoying but I know if I don’t sneeze, I’m probs good to wait a while…



In the week since I broke up with my GF, I’ve been thrown out and banned from a club, pissed myself on the way home and had a wank while taking a shit in the toilets at Burger King. Safe to say I’m not taking it very well



I took a girl back to my room at uni a few months ago and despite her saying she’d only smoked weed once before I rolled a fat zoot of super skunk and we smoked it together. Well she went quiet and before I knew it she had turned green and tells me she feels like she’s going to have a heart attack. I tried to reassure her she was only pulling a whitey but her heart was pounding and she was asking me to call an ambulance. In the end I calmed her down by spoonfeeding her sugar and giving her water while she sat on the toilet. Then we fell asleep without having sex and I woke up in time to see her leaving my room in the morning. Note to self – have sex first next time.





We have a large IT department where I work ran by Indians (fresh from India). The other day I went into the break room and they were all in there trying on each other’s shoes and giggling like children. Wish I was that easily amused



I went on a getaway weekend to this spa with the girlfriend, about 2 hours from where I live. At the swimming pool on the first night, I walk in and see my former male co-worker kissing another dude in the corner of the pool. Normally I wouldn’t give a shit, but this guy was always showing off about how much pussy he got and how he’s in his 40s and in better shape than the rest of us. He also made several homophobic remarks while I worked there and made fun of a gay guy (behind his back) who worked with us. Anyway after kissing his boyfriend he saw me watching and looked mortified. He came over and said he had had an acting audition coming up and he was just practicing with his co-star. He ended up offering to pay for our spa stay but I said it was fine, we already paid. Monday comes and I told absolutely everyone in the office about it. Fuck that guy.

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.


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