Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #58

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did by e-mailing your Confessions into (our submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry, it’s completely anonymous) – every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:



I always date my uni papers a few days earlier so the tutor doesn’t think I do everything last minute



My 14 year old brother is cooler than I am



Someone in the cubicle next to me at work did a louder piss than me and it made me feel like less of a man



I’ve been wanking while sitting on the toilet for so long that every time I take a shit now I automatically get a boner



I have a split second panic attack every time I sneeze while driving

pint of beer

brew crew

About three years ago I was jobless and constantly getting rejected after interviews. One day I had two interviews lined up and after the first didn’t go too well, I thought fuck it, I’ll have a couple pints and get a small buzz going before the next one. Guess what? I smashed the interview and got offered the job. Alcohol is your friend if used wisely.



I resent my dad for making me grow up a Nottingham Forest fan



I always wondered about those tiny white bumps scattered all around my balls and the base of my dick. Finally went to the doctor and he said they’re just hair follicles (I have also done STD tests which came back clear). Even though it’s normal would still rather they weren’t there



I was a pretty big nerd in school. In my first week of uni I had my first kiss, first blowjob, first feel of tits and lost my virginity all on the same day. I still can’t believe it.

Angry brunette not listening to her boyfriend


I don’t enjoy eating pussy and it’s really messing with my relationship prospects



The way the football plays out sometimes I honestly think god just doesn’t want me to make any money


nasty dasty

I came inside a 5/10 last weekend. Been worried sick to my stomach all week about possibly getting her pregnant. She says she took the pill but I don’t know. Pray for me please


Natures Miracle

I’m currently lying in bed binging on weed and playing stupid amounts of fifa cause i got hit by a car the other day, my ex just came round and i’m not sure how to feel, her blow job game has gone from a teethy, dry painful experience to a literal jizz explosion within 30 seconds and it’s since she’s been seeing a new guy… Can’t help but feel he’s just gay and been giving her tips



My dad called my boyfriend a “liberal fuckboy” the other day



I spent last weekend hanging out with the girl I fancy at her flat while she facetimed the guy she’s “in love with”. Well, safe to say I’m in the friendzone fellas.



Some kids on my street were kicking over bins and generally being nuisances, so I called the police who came down and got them to clear off. If that makes me a snitch, I don’t give a fuck



I report every status/photo/whatever that I don’t like on Facebook as offensive



My iphone is bigger than my erect dick

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week by e-mailing (submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry – it’s 100% anonymous. Also make sure you include a username you want in your message) – see you next Friday.


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