Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #57

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did by e-mailing your Confessions into (our submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry, it’s completely anonymous) — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:



Whenever someone tries to get on the tube before I jump off I barge them in the shoulder. Sounds like a dickhead move but really annoys me when they don’t follow the rules

Sticky thumbs

I sometimes play on psn with a quiet girl that I work with who I don’t usually talk to. We were into a game late one night and I got a horn on so decided to pump out a silent danger wank to her casual gamer talk, whilst playing it cool on the mic. And we won



I have sex so rarely with my wife that I need to wank off so that I last longer than 30 seconds. The feeling of warm pussy on my penis has the same effect on me as it did when I was 16

A McDonald's restaurant sign is seen at a McDonald's restaurant in Del Mar, California


I was at Maccy D’s the other day and one of the employees said to this black girl with an afro ‘Oh I like your hair, how long does it take to do it?’ The black girl went nuts at him about how it’s not appropriate to ask minorities those questions, especially black females. The fucked up thing is the worker was a gay Eastern European dude, probably the biggest minority in the room. Pissed me off and wish I’d spoken up for him.



If I don’t keep my pubes trimmed my penis virtually disappears



I am in love with my girlfriend’s 18 year old cousin. It sounds pathetic but I’d do anything to fuck her. I’m 25.




Next week I’m taking a 4 hour flight just to break a 6 month dry streak



I used an amazon gift card by grandad gave me to buy a pocket vibrator



I’ve been getting close with this 6’ tall black girl at my uni who is pretty sexy. For some reason she’s into skinny white guys. Anyway I’m sure she’s DTF but I’m scared to go through with it because I have a small cock and this girl is really tall, and black. It’s a disappointment waiting to happen



I wear sunglasses when out with the missus because it allows me to check out other women without her noticing



I’ve read a lot of stories and seen videos about police abusing their power and I always say well, if you didn’t break the law in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this position. I would always defend the police. Irony is I recently got fined for pissing in a side street and now I want all cops to die



Not a confession just some advice, if you’re thinking about getting married — DON’T



Right now, as I do every Friday, I’m half pissed and buzzing from a few keys and beers after work, sat on a 45 minute train home from Manchester, hating northern rail. The thought of getting the train home from work is grim, but I read this column at roughly the same time, same day, every week. Thanks for being there



I regularly convince myself that i have aspergers even though im like 90% im normal…. maybe i should stop smoking so much weed?



My girlfriend was telling me about her loser ex boyfriend who dropped out of uni twice and is now back there trying a new course. Little does she know I did the exact same thing and totally bullshitted her when I said I was working for 3 years after school


I had a nostalgia wank to Christina Aguilera Dirrty earlier



I keep my political views to myself and don’t respect anyone who bangs on about them over social media. Also, I’ve learnt that talking politics even with friends you grew up with can sever your relationships forever. Do yourselves a favour and never talk politics with people you care about



When I was about 8 my dad told me that Japanese people were half fish half human. I said it out loud in class and the teacher destroyed me in front of everyone. I was so baffled I started crying. Never dawned on me my dad was just taking the piss

Well done guys and gals — you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it — just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week by (submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry — it’s 100% anonymous. Also make sure you include a username you want in your message) — see you next Friday.


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