Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #320



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I have a vague recollection of being dragged out of a club by a bouncer for being drunk and bent over a rail while the bouncer dry humped me from behind. I was so wasted I don’t know how much it is true but I get flashbacks of this guy banging his crotch against my jeans/butt. Not sure what action to take if any. Dude had a ponytail as well



I had a rock hard boner for 15 minutes while waiting to be seen by the doctor this morning. Had to really focus to make it go down before my name was called



My friends surprised me with a stripper at my uni halls on my birthday. I ended up sticking my tongue inside her a*sehole, before puking everywhere and having to call it a night early



I met a Lithuanian girl in Australia who prior to us having sex told me that English guys have no idea how to f*ck properly. I swear I’ve never banged anyone so hard and so long in my entire life – I literally f*cked for England that night. Good news is I think I changed her opinion



My girlfriend looks like Gianna Michaels minus the huge boobs and willingness to give BJs



I often lie about my plans after work to avoid going on the train with my co-workers



My GP refused to refer me to a therapist because the only reason I want to see one is to help me get over my fear of having anal sex. The truth is I feel like there’s something wrong with me though cos all my mates eat and have sex with their girlfriend’s buttholes. He said I should consult a hypnotist if it was that important to me



I shook John Terry’s hand and told him he was a legend when I saw him leave a restaurant with his family but in reality I hate his guts. I’m such a p*ssy

How Does Cocaine Affect the Heart? | Ranch Creek Recovery

[no name]

During a cocaine binge and what I deemed to be an incoming heart attack, wrote my last will and testament to my girlfriend via WhatsApp. Difficult to explain the morbid 3am message to her the following day


I make my girlfriend order my drinks at Starbucks because I’m too embarrassed to say the weird sounding coffee names out loud

White Wolf : Elderly one-eyed dog saved from drowning in canal (Video)

[no name]

When I was 17 I jumped into a canal to save a dog. Got a certificate from the Mayor, my picture in the paper etc. Even got some female attention at last. Truth is, the dog was already swimming to safety and if anything my splashing around just made things worse.



I spent some time living in Russia and the biggest difference between there and here is that people don’t expect you to be friendly to others. If you walk around in public smiling at everyone, people think you’re mentally ill.



I drove for an hour to pick up some weed only for my dealer to have his phone off when I arrived


Back in the day I tried to get my mum to buy me BMX XXX on PS2 because I knew there was a cheat code you could put in and get a 60 second clip of a topless girls dancing. So we went to shop and took it to the counter. The guy asks my mum if she’s OK with me playing it because it’s rated for mature audiences. My mum says yeah it’s fine but then he proceeds to tell her it’s more graphic than other adult games and has full on nudity. I’m sitting there looking at this prick like are you serious mate? It was 2002 and I just discovered wanking. F*ck that guy.



I’ve got a secret folder where I’ve saved Facebook pictures of my girlfriend’s friends. Words can’t describe the shame I feel in the moment following my wanks but I can’t help doing it again and again



When I was about 8, my granddad was stood outside the bathroom waiting for my sister to finish her shower because he badly needed to pee. He’s too gentle and polite to bang the door down so instead he stood there and pissed his pants while looking me right in the eye with the saddest look of shame and embarrassment I’ve ever seen. I really think that moment shaped my compassion for the elderly for years to come



I once got 12 hand jobs in one day from my ex girlfriend and still to this day I’m amazed how much c*m 19 year old me could produce



I’m in love with a girl in my office who I share the tube with going to and from work with every day. I think I have to make a move soon or forget her. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t take a shot, at this tiny Northern girl, with the cutest smile and what I believe are the most impossibly juicy double D’s in existence

Mandatory Credit: Photo by WestEnd61/REX (3667039a) Model Released - Business man leaning head to wall VARIOUS


I bought Tinder Gold because I wanted to see who the mystery girls who swiped right on me were (I had 17 likes). Spent the cash and literally EVERY SINGLE ONE of them was a f*cking gargoyle. I’m no Brad Pitt myself but I thought I could at least attract a 3/10. Really crushed my confidence.



The landlord at my local sat me down recently and told me he thinks I should stop drinking. I think that’s what you call rock bottom.


[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).

See you next Friday!



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