Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #316



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Let’s go…


I had a lump in my testicles that turned out to be benign, but to find that out I had to visit my GP who is a tall, slim MILF with glasses. I can’t help but think that her and the nurse that was also present were laughing about my tiny penis afterwards, which shriveled up more than usual because I was feeling insecure about it and also concentrating hard on not getting a boner. That’s life with a small dick for you.


Drove back home with some girl that’s been flirting with me so I’ve been doing the same back… anyway I squeezed into this super tight parking space and she was so impressed she said ‘you are an amazing driver I definitely would have hit that car’. That shit made my day, best compliment I ever received.



Recently in a club I went to the toilet to take a piss and someone was taking a massive shxt, so a guy at the urinal said “who the hell takes a shxt on a night out”. The guy taking a shxt shouted “you think I want to take a shxt on a night out you prick? I was desperate” They kept arguing and eventually the guy came out and they almost had an actual fight literally arguing over shxt. It was so funny


My girlfriend points out other girls to me walking down the street that aren’t wearing a bra so I don’t miss the titties through their shirts. I think she might be the one.



I’d been picking up from this dealer for about a year and one day for the first time I invited him to chill and have a smoke with me before he left. Anyway somehow politics come up and I shit you not – this guy did not know who Boris Johnson was. I said (trying to hide my shock) “he’s the British prime minister” (at the time). This guy just shrugs and goes “doesn’t affect me man”. Then he started playing me some shit grime songs off his phone. Never again.



I drank a full glass of expired Pepsi from an elderly neighbour who I was helping round the house because she insisted I drink it even though I told her it was expired. My politeness will be the death of me…


I got a handjob from an Essex MILF with long finger nails a few days ago. Kind of hurt, and now I can’t get a boner.


The best part of my day is taking a massive shit in this hidden bathroom I found on an empty floor in my office building. I take my time, read my phone, sometimes have a wank, etc. Afterwards I feel refreshed and ready to face the rest of my day. I feel a bit guilty not telling my colleagues about his hidden paradise, but if other people start using it, it’s specialness will be ruined for good.



After being married a few years when I remember things I did with girls at university, it sometimes feels like I imagined it all


When I worked at Tesco I would duplicate the receipts of customers who didn’t use Clubcards and out the points on to mine. It got to the stage I had so many points I was regularly getting vouchers for £20+ off and practically got my weekly shop for free.



Already texted a girl off AdultWork for later tonight. All about setting them up early so they don’t get booked up


I wish my girlfriend had fitter friends so I wouldn’t have to avoid the question of why they’re always single and why I don’t introduce them to my friends. And so I could jerk off to them.



Last Sunday, on a heavy come down and hang over between the hours of 1.00pm and 6.00pm I managed to wank myself off to completion 5 times. A personal best. Can anyone beat that?

Teen Boy Vacuuming Floor With Vacuum Cleaner Stock Photo, Picture And Royalty Free Image. Image 106074426.


As a teenager I’ve use the nozzle of the vacuum as a wanking aid. After some weeks of shooting my load into the void, the hoover started to smell and my parents ended up replacing it.



A few years ago I spontaneously pranked my mum by revealing I knew she’d been having an affair and cheating on my dad. She looked terrified as I kept up the lie that I knew and eventually broke down in tears asking me how I knew. FML. She broke it off with the other guy (her co worker) or so she says and is still married to my dad and I’ve kept her secret all along. My dad’s a bit of a wanker anyway


I found out the kid I used to bully in school became a police officer in our area so I immediately friended him on Facebook to make sure we’re cool. He was a bit weirded out but don’t think he holds a grudge


[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).

See you next Friday!



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