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Let’s go…

WARRIORSCALL

When I was 16 I worked in a takeaway and one night got chatting to this hot slxt who lived out of town, 12 miles away to be precise. I didn’t have a license at the time but I would pedal my bike for 12 miles there and back most days as we progressed from kissing and touching to BJ and fingering and sex. She was a smoker and had nasty breath but her body was amazing. Never forget those long bike rides listening to tunes on the way there

[NO NAME]

My elderly father in law thinks that when he rings the local Chinese takeaway they know who it is because he has a lot of takeaways and is very proud of it. Don’t have the heart to tell him they have a database system where his name comes up when he calls.

MOOSE

I tripped balls on LSD with a Muslim guy at my uni. He’s from Pakistan and my girlfriend is Pakistani from Brum (I’m white). He started being weird staring at photos of my girlfriend on my wall. He was getting agitated with himself and kept saying to himself “no, I can’t! I can’t! She’s yours man, she’s yours”. He then said he had to go and pray and went back to his room and didn’t come out. Didn’t see him until the next day and he just said he couldn’t remember anything from the trip and can we just forget it and move on. I said yeah… but I know he remembers.

GIRAFFECUCK

One time as a cashier I saw this smackhead with a joint of lamb walk out without paying. I told myself that I don’t get paid enough to care so I just let him get away with it. OK he had a spider web neck tattoo and I was terrified of him.

MCLEOD

This older lady (about 50) at my gym chatted me up the other day. She has massive tits. She asked for my Facebook and I gave it to her. Have to admit I’ve wanked off to her already. Not sure what my next move is…

COWARD

I’ve never played golf in my life. I get asked frequently to play golf with friends and co workers and always come up with an excuse that I can’t make it because I’m scared of how terrible I’ll be

YUNG SPARKY

Started hooking up with a cross-eyed nymphomaniac I met on Tinder and can’t help but think I’m taking advantage of a mentally ill person.

[NO NAME]

I check an ancient yahoo account daily just in case this bloke who ghosted me 13 years ago wants to get back in touch. Inbox and spam.

STRONG CORE

My girlfriend hired a personal trainer to come to our house twice a week. I met her today. Polish girl who is an absolute knockout. I was legitimately speechless as I opened the door and just stood there like an idiot. Now I have to stop my brain trying to convince me that my girl is hinting at a threesome.

MUMBLES

Whenever I make eye contact with the person in the car next to me I always look away first and feel like such a pxssy

EPICCHAZZA

There’s this fit new girl working in our office which is great except my boss sat her right near the toilets. This has completely fxcked up my half hour long office shxts schedule. I now shxt in Burger King down the street.

DUSTYMONKEY

Lately when I wank I just jizz on my shirt and throw it in the wash if I don’t have any tissues handy. I’m 27.

STRANGERINDAALPS

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this pretence at work of being a sociable guy who gets along with everyone

ZAAAAACCCCC

A few years ago had a really bad hangover. Went to wank off and soon as I finished I got this banging headache, really felt like something was seriously wrong. Lasted 10 minutes then was better. For the next week or so every time I tried wanking, same thing – intense pulsing headache. I was terrified, thought my dick to brain connection was somehow ruined and I’d never be able to cum again without getting a headache. I literally abstained from wanking for 2-3 weeks and tried to reset my dick/brain connection. I’m completely back to normal now and never told anyone until now, still not sure what the fxck that was about though.

FAMOUS GROUSE

Recently got a VR headset even though I was skeptical. I can tell you watching adult films on that thing is next level. Legit feels like I’m cheating on my wife.

BEASTMEAT

Second year of uni me and my housemate got hammered and brought home two girls from a party and somehow got lucky. The next morning we were all hanging out and realised we both had more in common with the girl we didn’t shag. So we traded girls and ended up dating them for a year.

LERXSTPRATT

Sometimes when I think have to shit I go sit down on the toilet and end up just pissing instead and honestly it feels quite nice

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See you next Friday!